Sex at Church
"We are committing a sin that will result in us going to the hell."
After hearing my fiancé say this for the millionth time in her delicate Russian accent, I tried to explain to her that a 43 year old widow with teenage kids who is in a long term committed monogamous relationship can have sex without being sent to hell.
I went on to say, "God is not an asshole."
In my practice as a psychiatrist I learned that when someone is being illogically resistant to simple advice you need to step back and re-think the situation. You must ask yourself, "Why the resistance?"
As the cogs in my brain slowly churned, I gently proclaimed, "You're right…we are sinning…oh, yes…we are sinning…sinning..."
She screamed in ecstasy and thoroughly enjoyed her orgasm…
Personally, I don't understand why the belief that you are doing something wrong heightens the sexual experience. Levystien actually enjoys sex more if he is doing it with an appropriate partner and in an appropriate way...but that's just me.
When you encounter the wide variety of sexual taboos and customs in different cultures and find it hard to understand how people can be so illogical, step back and ask, "What is the real reason they do that?" Often times it's pretty easy to answer this question.
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This chapter is about sex in church but, unlike the sex in school chapter, I will cover people actually having sex in church. I mean in and around the innermost sanctuary as well as other choice locations on church grounds. Oh, and at church camps. We can't leave out that fertile breeding ground.
Of course, we will also cover the various rules that different faith based religions have conjured up over the years in regards to sex. If you haven't already noticed, my favorite technique is to compare and contrast what people think they are supposed to do and what they actually do.
Is it possible that a chapter entitled Sex in Church would be a place where you could find people thinking one thing and doing something completely different?
We will also cover the scandalous stuff but this will follow the other stuff as a natural outgrowth.
OK, let's begin:
Atheists caught having sex in cathedral
(CNN) -- A man and a woman have been charged by police in Italy after they were found having sex in a confession box, it was reported Wednesday. The Italian ANSA news agency said the young man and woman were taken into custody by police in the northern city of Cesena following a telephone complaint from a man attending morning Mass in the city's cathedral. Authorities were alerted after a parishioner heard "rustling and groaning" coming from inside the confession box and pulled back the curtains to reveal a Goth-rock couple engaged in oral sex, ANSA said. The agency said the pair -- a 31-year-old laborer and a 32-year-old teacher -- defended their conduct saying: "We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place."
However, Bishop Antonio Lanfranchi of Cesena-Sarsina took said the couple's behavior was "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor." He added that a special ceremony would be held to purify the confession box.
Florida Couple Busted for Having Sex on Church Altar ...When asked why they decided to have sex inside the church, police say Rowland told them she wanted a "spiritual and sexual experience." -NBC
Big Fine for St. Pat's Sex Stunt AP The government on Thursday proposed the second-biggest fine ever for indecency: $357,000 against Infinity Broadcasting for a radio segment in which a couple was said to be having sex in New York's St. Patrick's Cathedral. WNEW-FM radio hosts Greg "Opie" Hughes, left, and Anthony Cumia were fired one week after airing sex-in-church segment, (Photo: AP) 
Loretta Lynn Harper and Brian Florence were arrested in the vestibule of St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York in August, 2002. (Photo: AP) I wasn't kidding about sanctuary sex, was I? Did you think it was this common? Did you think it happened at all? Have you ever in your entire life thought of having sex on an actual altar in a church?
Will you think about it now that you read about it in Constitutional Sex?
I would be worried that the bishop might come after me for teaching you about altar sex but he will be busy tracking down all the other folks that you had to knock out of the way to get on the altar.
How about sex at church camp?
Well, I guess it doesn't make the news quite as often as sanctuary sex so I will fill this part in with my personal experience. Every year at the camp I went to guys would talk about doing it under the bridge or in the cafeteria or behind the swimming pool. One guy even did it on the outdoor altar of the little chapel up on the hill. I guess he scored the daily double. Sanctuary sex and camp sex at the same time. Way to go!
Actual altar upon which Levystien's friend had sex 25 years ago.
The thing about church camp is that you are surrounded by cute girls all day long and everyone is hugging and talking about God and being really nice to each other. The beautiful girls will even talk to the ugly guys at a church camp. The girls who usually have their guard up, because most guys they meet in life generally want to have sex with them all the time, actually let their guard down at church camp. They think that good Christian guys won't be thinking about sex all the time.
Oh, how wrong that assumption is…Christian men don't constantly think about sex? Are you kidding me?
If that is true, then why are there so fucking many of them?
The beauty part is that the real horn-dogs have not become horn-dogs yet. They are virgins and they are at church camp. Their parents and their schools either didn't teach them about sex or taught them that it was terribly wrong. Then, they get a hug with these big tits pressed on their chest and see cute shorts wedged in sexy butt cracks and girls at the pool in bikinis who are being very nice and friendly and one thing just leads to another and before you know it you have witnessed the birth of a true horn-dog.
As an aside, I don't mean to degrade the entire race of horn-dogs. They do good things, too. I know that many of them do a lot of work with un-wed mothers. You know, mostly helping them get their start and all.
As a true horn-dog who was raised in this fashion I can honestly say that I had my very first genuinely religious experience at church camp. Not that I remember her name but, God, how I remember those delicate and supple breasts. She thought I was really cool because I gave a talk to the entire group about some religious crap that I can't remember. She sat next to me at dinner and we danced to Stairway to Heaven. That evening we took a walk before it was time to separate and go back to the cabins.
Yeah, we did it under the bridge.
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So, if you are a Christian, what are you supposed to be doing in regards to sex?
To answer this question why don't we take a look at what Christian school teachers do in regards to sex?
Christian School Teacher Charged With Sex Crime
Teacher at Christian School Charged With Sex Assault
Ex-Christian school teacher in Texas gets 16 years for student sex
OK, maybe teachers aren't the best example.
How about if we look at what priests are doing in regards to sex?
Rev. Ronald Paquin
Rev. Joseph E. Birmingham
Rev. John J. Geoghan
Rev. Francis DeLuca
These guys look pretty harmless. Certainly, none of these ordinary looking men of God could have been caught up in anything so seedy as a sex scandal...could they?
Priest pleads guilty to raping altar boy
Dozens more allege abuse by late priest
Sex abuse priest killed in prison
Pedophile Priest Target of another Lawsuit
You may think these guys are rare cases. You may think they do not represent real Catholic priests. Certainly, there would be no chance of anyone from the Vatican being involved in anything like this. Why don't you watch this little Italian news clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcO7UEf0IJ8
Since I plan to marry an orthodox Christian, I was hoping that at least the orthodox would not be affected by this sex stuff. They even mandate that their priests have wives and have sex with their wives. It's their bishops that must be celibate. These guys don't interact directly with parishioners. So, I was really hoping that maybe they would not participate in the sex abuse thing, but alas...
Sex and fraud woe for Greek church- Athens
OK, the priests don't seem to be doing too well. Maybe it's just the priests? Maybe the protestant men of God are far superior to their more traditional brethren? Surely the pastors don't get convicted of abusing actual members of their flock?
Atlanta pastor sex scandal video
It seems that the clergy are making the teachers look like altar boys…I mean for not looking at the altar boys…I don't know…there's a joke in there somewhere.
Surely, these are just aberrations. Surely, sex between good Christians does not happen very often, right?
I wonder about the real statistics?
• The Presbyterian Church stated that 10-23% of clergy have "inappropriate sexual behavior or contact" with clergy and employees.
• The United Methodist research (1990) showed 38.6% of Ministers had sexual contact with church members.
• The United Church of Christ found that 48% of the women in the work place have been sexually harassed by male clergy.
• The Southern Baptists claim 14.1% of their clergy have sexually abused members.
• US Catholic clerics accused of abuse from 1950-2002: 4,392.*
*www.bishop-accountability.org
I guess the real stats are pretty poor.
Now we know what Christians do in regards to sex but what are they supposed to be doing? What do the various Christian denominations teach about sex? What is the official church dogma?
Of Course, there is a lot of pop psychology now-a-days in regards to sex and some people present this as though it is what the bible says.
What is the real Christian dogma?
It's interesting that the official dogma relating to sex is difficult to find on-line. None of the Christian denominations that I researched clearly state their church's official stance with regards to sex.
Why is that?
I think it's because the only official dogma they have is very simple and very clear and they assume that everyone already knows it. It goes like this: A). Thou shalt not have sex until thou be married. B). That’s it, there aren't any more letters.
So, Christians are supposed to get married and have sex only within the confines of that marital relationship. This seems pretty simple to me. Why aren't they doing it?
Maybe the question should be, "Why do we need a one-size-fits-all simple little rule that we try to force everyone to do?" Perhaps, this is a way to do it that would cause the majority of people to be happy and healthy? Perhaps, humans don't want to follow long winded explanations? Keeping it simple seems to work pretty well.
I've got an idea. Why don't we just send everyone to college and graduate school and educate them about the medical and psychological aspects of sexual intercourse and relationships and then have a complex set of rules that fully encompass every possible issue with regards to human sexuality? Then, everyone can have sex in a way that is best for them and no one will get hurt and everyone will be happy and healthy.
Or, we could just have one very simple rule.
The neat thing about Christianity is that there is not a list of requirements or steps or levels that you must obtain in order to reach Nirvana. There is only one rule that is infinitely complex in its simplicity.
"You must return God's love."
Sure, there are a lot of guidelines on how to do that such as only marry once and only have sex within that relationship but Christianity concedes that every possible situation you could ever face in life can't be described in advance by a list. Therefore, there is a general rule that forces you to ask the only real question that exists in religion. What would God do? Or, what does God want me to do?
After all, wasn't the mother of God unmarried when she got pregnant? I assume she was doing what the Holy Father wanted her to do…wasn't she?
There are always going to be exceptions to every rule, right?
According to the Christian faith you cannot go to heaven if you commit suicide...but wait...didn't Jesus commit suicide? I think that he could have saved himself and therefore he committed suicide. Nevertheless, it was the right thing for him to do...wasn't it?
What about if the various rules conflict with each other? What if you must choose between honor your father and mother and Worship only one God?
How about if do no murder conflicts with thou shalt not steal?
What about if you must choose between bearing false witness and keeping the Sabbath holy?
In summation; if we don't adhere to the dogma, then a lot of people will do sex in a medically and psychologically inappropriate way. On the other hand; if we apply the dogma in an overly rigid way, then a lot of people will do the exact opposite of the official rules and simply hide what they are doing. (See the rogue's gallery above.)
The best approach is to put the emphasis on the correct syll-a-ble. Focus on returning God's love and don't be too concrete about the rules. If love thy neighbor conflicts with keep the Sabbath holy, then blow off the Sabbath and love thy God-Damned neighbor!
OK, I took the lord's name in vain but I successfully emphasized that loving thy neighbor might trump the Sabbath and now you will go out and do what God really wants you to do. Was it a fare trade-off in the eyes of God? I don't know either but that is the kind of thing I am talking about, does that make any sense at all?
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The Oy of Sex:
Jewish Women Write Erotica
Edited by Marcy Sheiner
So, if you are a Jew, what are you supposed to be doing in regards to sex?
Unlike Christianity and Islam, the Hebrew faith does not curtail the hedonistic pleasures. In fact, they set aside an entire day every week for the purpose of having sex. Of course, they don't come right out and say,
"Have sex on the Sabbath."
Instead, they created a list of everything they could think of, other than sex, that you could be doing on that day and then said,
"Don't do any of those things."
The Jewish wedding ceremony is not only an economic pact but it is plainly and directly a sex deal. The groom promises to provide his bride with food, shelter, and sexual gratification. Ever wonder why the Jews are still around after 4,000 years?
Have you ever heard of a Jewish monk who took a vow of celibacy? I think there is a joke that starts out something like that but celibacy is not a virtue in the Hebrew faith. Sex is.
On the other hand, Jewish theology is clearly responsible for most of the sexual taboos that we take for granted today. Although sex in marriage is highly valued, other expressions of sexuality such as homosexuality, pedophilia, adultery, incest, etc. were first put on the "perversions" list by the Hebrew faith. Don't you remember when the pagan Gods and Goddesses used to frolic in the sun. They even had a specific God and a cute little story for each "perversion."
So, what do Jews actually do in regards to sex?
They do all of the perversions, of course.
Nathan Abrams, who was raised as an orthodox Jew, writes this description of questionable sexual activity:
A judge, who gets an erection when a defendant accidentally exposes her arm, sprints home to have sex with his wife, lest he sinfully spill his seed on the ground. The judge’s wife, after demanding to learn her rival’s identity, tracks the woman down, beats her with an iron lock, and runs her out of town. A different man solicits sex from his daughter-in-law, whom he mistakes for a prostitute. He is also a judge, and when she later becomes pregnant he almost orders her execution for adultery until she reveals herself to him. A third man offers his two virgin daughters to appease rioters trying to kick his door in. Those same daughters later get him intoxicated and rape him while he sleeps.
Mr. Abrams then points out that these stories come from the Babylonian Talmud and Genesis chapters 38 and 19.
If you wish to read more about his insights regarding sex and Jews I recommend this book:
Actually, I included a picture of this book simply to have an excuse to present frontal nudity in a non-gratuitous way.
What about the Rabbis?
Similar to an orthodox Christian priest, a rabbi must have a wife and must make love to her on a regular basis. Surely these guys won't be cover boys for the New York Times. Alas, here we go again:
Rabbi expelled over sex abuse allegations
The ironic thing as far as the Rabbis are concerned is that Jews made up that these things are wrong in the first place.
If you grow up and want to be religious and you like little boys, why don't you join a religion that thinks that is OK? Why would you join a religion that strongly condemns it?
Oh, yeah, I forgot...it's the getting away with a no, no thing.
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So, if you are Islamic, what are you supposed to be doing in regards to sex?
Compared to the Jews and even to the Christians, Islam goes way overboard in restricting sexual activity. For them, inappropriate sex is the most heinous sin that you could ever commit. Worse even than homicide or suicide. However, if you commit homicide and suicide at the same time then you get 76 virgins to have sex with. Go figure?
You'd think that someone would wake up and realize how horrible 76 virgins would be. The first few might be kind of OK but after 5 or 6 I'm thinking…you're going to want a professional. (For whatever reason, this joke and a number of others were told by Bill Maher but I swear to God I thought them up first. I did not steal this joke. It is original Levystien material!)
Personally, I have a hell of a time keeping up with one mature woman. How will I manage with 76 immature little brats?
Perhaps Islam is wiser than we think. Maybe they understand that homicide/suicide attacks are bad. Surely they realize that pleasing 76 little girls would be hell. Maybe these homicide/suicide idiots are actually going to hell…you think?
Virginity is a virtue for an Islamic woman but it's a "sort of" virtue for an Islamic man. Technically, an Islamic man can have sex as long as it is not with a faithful Muslim virgin. He must then marry a faithful Muslim virgin. Unfortunately, he should not look at her or see her in any way prior to marrying her.
If it turns out that the infidel he was having sex with is much better looking than the unseen women he married, no problem, it is OK to beat up the ugly Islamic women and keep screwing the infidel on the side. Not really, true Islam actually values equality of the sexes and physically assaulting a woman is not permitted. However, the sad reality is that what I described seems to be the rule rather than the exception.
When I searched on-line to find Islamic clerics who were guilty of sexual misconduct, Of course, I found the usual pedophile/adultery suspects:
Madrassas hit by sex abuse claims
Imam's 'catalogue of sex attacks'
Muslim leader Farooq Hussain faces jail for sex attacks on teen girls
Farooq Hussain's reputation lies in tatters after a jury yesterday convicted him of abuse spanning five years.
However, I also found something alarming. These Islamic men of God are frequently beating up their wives. Apparently, Islamic culture makes it very difficult for a woman to seek help if she is being beaten or raped on a regular basis by her husband.
ABUSE OF U.S. MUSLIM WOMEN IS GREATER THAN REPORTED
Authority and the Abuse of Power in Muslim Marriages
Check out this video about Islamic wife beating:
Video- Wife Beating in Islam In some cases, Islamic clerics are appropriately condemning spousal abuse:
Muslims In Philly Shun Men Who Abuse Wives
But, in other cases Muslim clerics are actually instructing men on the correct way to beat your wife. Check out this video:
Video- Abdullah Aal Mahmud- Wife beating rules Another practice that is uniquely Islamic is that of honor killings. Islamic law states that stoning to death is the punishment for adultery. Among Muslims it brings great dishonor to have a woman in the family convicted of this heinous offense. If you can stone her to death then honor is restored. Despite the fact that four eyewitnesses of the actual sex act are required, Islamic women still find themselves on the wrong end of a rock fight from time to time.
Islamic Perspective on "Honor Killings"
Christiane Amanpour is a CNN journalist who was born and raised in Islamic Iran. She has presented numerous accounts of Islamic life to the American public in a non-judgmental way. I saw a piece she did where the only way she could interview this particular Imam was to be covered in traditional dress. When he walked in and sat down he was careful not to look at her directly.
She explored the issue of stoning to death as a punishment for adultery. It was gently explained to her that she is blowing it out of proportion and that, in fact, there have only been four or five cases of that in the past thirty years.
Call me silly but I think that one case in a hundred years would be horrible.
I was half way into the next chapter when this headline came across the internet and caused me to come back to this spot.
Pakistani lawmaker defends honor killings: Tribesmen bury five women alive for wanting to choose their own husbands
Apparently, you don't have to commit adultery to warrant an honor killing. All you have to do is insist on choosing your own husband. That is a big enough sin to result in an Honor killing.
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It would seem that with each successive Hebrew copy-cat religion the perversions become perceived as worse and worse. Do you think that a third copy-cat religion will come along? What do you think the perversions will be like then? Perhaps, the only acceptable way to copulate will be through a glory hole? Maybe they will call it the holy hole? You think?
What is it about monotheism that causes these religions to focus so much on human sexuality?
And don't forget to ask, "What is the real reason they do that?"
I can understand and appreciate that predatory or forced sex needs to be curtailed but it seems that most forms of consensual sex ought to be allowed. Why can't these religions pick on sins like murder and theft and dishonesty rather than sexual gratification?
A commonality among the monotheistic faiths is that they tend to reduce complex things such as human sexuality down to very simple rules such as Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. Due to the fact that most people are pretty stupid I guess it is OK to do this in order for everybody to generally be on the same page in life.
But why must aberrant, yet consensual, sex be so severely restricted?
Could it simply be to excite those that like getting away with something that is taboo? There must be a more profound explanation…Don't you think? What is the real reason they do this?
The Levystien answer:
I think it is a miss-guided attempt to promote sex.
I think that the people who were creating these religions thought that sex was a good thing. No, I think they thought sex was a great thing! I think that they tried to exalt sex and create a very lofty and high place for it because it is so great. I think the reason they spent so much time and energy to describe exactly how and when to do it was to make it even greater.
Remember that this is before they invented television.
Of course, the problem is that the one-way-to-think philosophy that is inherently monotheistic resulted in the creation of a way to do sex that apparently the guy who invented the religion really liked. Now we are all stuck having to do it that way.
Oh well, it is a way to do sex that Levystien likes so why am I complaining?*
*My Fiancé whole heartedly and with every fiber of her being condemns this entire chapter to the hell. However, she really liked the Sex in School chapter.
Sex at Work
