Sex in Marriage
Copyright 2008
Why don't we begin this chapter about sex in marriage by asking the question, "What do people expect in regards to sex in marriage?"
What do people expect in regards to sex in marriage prior to getting married?
Woman- "I want to marry my knight in shining armor and I want him to rescue me." (Notice the lack of any reference to sex even when answering the question, "What do people expect in regards to sex in marriage?")
Man- "I want to get married and have sex every day for the rest of my life." (This is an interesting combination of practical yet unrealistic.)
What do people expect in regards to sex in marriage after getting married?
Satisfied woman- "Marriage means having sex five times a day for the rest of my life." (Notice how quickly good sex can change your attitude.)
Satisfied man- "Marriage means finding excuses to avoid sex." (This is the mark of a truly great lover.)
Less than fully satisfied woman- "Marriage is about trying to figure out a man."
Less than fully satisfied man- "Marriage is about trying to figure out a woman."
Unsatisfied woman- "Marriage means finding excuses to avoid sex."
Unsatisfied man- "Marriage means a long term commitment to having an affair."
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Isn't marriage the one place where everyone agrees that it's OK to have sex?
Shouldn't sex in marriage always be great?
At least, shouldn't sex in marriage be pretty good most of the time?
Didn't someone once say, "The worst sex I ever had was pretty good?"
Let's see…I want to pleasure you and you want to pleasure me and we both want to pleasure each other. This ought to work out quite nicely, right?
It might surprise you to learn that most couples do not experience wonderful sex throughout their marital lives. Even those individuals who were smart enough to practice a bit before they got married still have difficulty having wonderful sex lives while married.
Why is that?
The most obvious reason that couples have problems with sex in marriage is that sex, like all human functions, can have dysfunction. We will discuss sexual dysfunction more in the chapter entitled Sexual Dysfunction. For now, here is a list of some of the problems that can occur in regards to sex:
Male
• Erectile dysfunction
• Low libido
• Premature ejaculation
• Sexual performance issues related to psychological stress
Female
• Painful intercourse
• Anorgasmia
• History of rape
• History of childhood sexual trauma
Both
• Chronic medical condition
• HIV+
• Psychiatric disorders
• Lack of time and energy for sex
Since most of us fail to receive a quality sex education as youngsters, we are ill equipped to deal with sexual dysfunction in marriage. Generally speaking, sexual dysfunction should not lead to the lack of a satisfying sex life as long as you have the know-how and desire to deal with it. Fortunately, if you have the desire then the know-how is not hard to obtain. There is only one problem that is potentially catastrophic to a quality sex life and we will get to that in a minute.
For the sake of this chapter, let's assume that the couple in question suffers no sexual dysfunction at all. They are two young love birds functioning as God intended…according to Judeo-Christian ethics…assuming they live in a country that pretends to separate politics and religion.
So, what could possibly be the problem?
Levystien's answer to this question is an answer that reflects a theme that runs through most of his writing. The answer is selfishness. Actually, the answer is false selfishness. Those of you who are truly selfish understand this universal and seemingly contradictory truth:
The only way to be truly selfish is to be unselfish.
Sex in marriage is a perfect place to examine this theme. Think about it...the man who is well satisfied with regards to sex is the man who is a great lover. This is the man who satisfies his woman in a very unselfish way and, thus, gets everything that he selfishly wants.
The man who is more interested in gratifying himself will end up un-satisfied. He will not get everything that he wants. This man might think of himself as selfish but if he was truly selfish, then he would be unselfish. Get it?
Here is a nice couple at different stages in their relationship. :
I think this guy thought he was king of the jungle and could do whatever he wanted to do?
Let's look at some real relationships and see if the essential breakdown can be traced back to false selfishness. Understand that there may be issues of sexual dysfunction in some of these relationships but in no case does the dysfunction negate the possibility of a healthy sexual relationship. The possibility of a healthy sexual relationship, in each case, is negated by selfishness…and selfishness alone. Excuse me, I mean false selfishness.
Couple #1. Lilia and Jack: Jack is a psychologist who is a bit obsessive-compulsive and he has some control issues. Lilia is a shy and bashful brunette who is newly arrived to America from the former Soviet Union. She married in order to get citizenship. She also wanted to be taken care of because she was in an unfamiliar land. He married her because he wanted someone to control.
Soon after they said their nuptials, Lilia found that she lived in a neighborhood where she knew nobody. She had no means of transportation and she had difficulty communicating. He would leave each morning and lock the door and she would be there when he came home.
They did not go out. They did not socialize.
Soon, the things he expected in regards to sex would become increasingly unusual. He was not particularly concerned with her sexual enjoyment and he had very specific things he wanted to do. Ultimately, she was awakened at 3:00am one night and forced to watch porno movies. Then, he produced a dildo and wanted to place it in her butt.
She called her friend from church the next day and voiced distress. Her friend came and picked her up. Lilia never went back to Jack.
Couple #2. Mary and Harold: Mary was 39 and Harold was 52. Both were childless. Both wanted to have a child. Neither had ever been married. Harold was worried he was getting to old and Mary believed that her biological clock was ticking. They married quickly and had a child together.
They met on-line and Mary was so impressed that she was able to get a "good man" that she encouraged her friends to go on-line and meet someone.
Prior to having the child, Harold demanded that they have sex exactly one way and do it exactly that way every time. After having a child they did not have sex for one year.
Eventually, Harold approached Mary and suggested that they resume their sex life. Mary agreed but said, "I would prefer if we did it once per week on the same day each week."
Harold agreed and they are happy, sort of.
Comment: Lilia and Jack and Mary and Harold married for selfish reasons other than love. Of course, love is the ultimate selfish reason to get married. Interestingly, love is the only selfish reason that is a legitimate reason to marry. When you marry for things like control or a green card or to have a child, even if you both want to have a child, then you will likely find it difficult to have a truly satisfactory sex life. The problem is that none of these folks were overly concerned about making sure that their partner was sexually satisfied.
Couple #3. Natalia and Boris:These folks have been married for 35 years. We had dinner with them and wanted to make casual conversation. My fiancé asked, "What is the secret to having a lasting marriage?"Comment: Not everyone actually wants a profound relationship or a great sex life.Natalia responded, "Spend as much time apart as you can."
Boris has an occupation that provides great wealth but causes him to spend a lot of time overseas. He has a girlfriend in the Ukraine with whom he lives for at least 6-8 months each year.
Natalia works and keeps busy when he is gone. She is an alcoholic and she consumes one bottle of very good wine every night. He can afford really good wine because he makes a lot of money.
They are happily married and there is no "sort of" in this one.
Couple #4. Agnes and Yuri:Yuri is a Greek Orthodox priest and Agnes directs the choir. They were both raised in very religious families and were both virgins when they married. They met at a church retreat.Comment: You might think that it is pretty egotistical of me to suggest that this priest's wife is not enjoying making love to her husband. Do you think that I am actually suggesting that this wonderfully unselfish man might be pretty selfish when it comes to sex?They married in their early twenties and had four children together. They are now in their late forties. The church that Yuri helped found is thriving because he is a very good priest.
The church has grown and there are numerous responsibilities that Yuri must perform. In addition to these duties their daily lives are highly regimented. Due to the rigid nature of their faith, every week of the year is highly organized. They eat at a certain time, worship at a certain time, raise children in a certain way, and even have sex in a pre-set way and at pre-set times.
They truly love each other and they are truly good human beings.
I noticed that Agnes does not take care of her personal hygiene very well and has no spark of passion in her eyes.
I don't think that Father Yuri is maliciously ignoring his wife but I do think that, of all his priorities, she should be his number one. I think that he would agree.
Let me explain it like this: When I first started dating my lovely fiancé she would frequently be confronted at church by her friends who would say things like, "Did you change your hair?" Or "Wow, you look really pretty today." Or "I hardly recognized you, you look so different."
She is much too polite to say it but she was thinking, "No, it's just that I had five orgasms yesterday."
When you have seen a woman who you know has had great sex, then you know what a woman who has had great sex looks like. Furthermore, you realize that a woman who has had great sex is pretty easy to spot in a crowd. Finally, you understand that there are not too many of them at church, or anywhere else for that matter.
I guess that there might be a few at Hugh Hefner's mansion in California but I have never been there in person. Even if Mr. Hefner (I say mister out of respect.) is reading this and likes me enough to invite me to his house, I would not be excited to go. I am not seeking sexual gratification. I am actively trying to avoid sex…you see…I am a great lover.
Remember, all you have to do to be a great lover is to be unselfish. If you are unselfish as a lover, then you will be satisfied but you will also be tired. You will be happy but you won't be horny. Your libido will be mellowed out. You will, in fact, be surprised to find yourself making excuses to avoid having to perform again, so soon.
Couple #5. Sarah and Fred and Pam and Joe: Sarah is married to Fred and Pam is married to Joe. They are what you call "Swingers." Every Friday night Pam and Joe go over to Sarah and Fred's house and they have dinner and wine and play bridge and then they all screw each other.
Everyone is happy, so what's the problem?
Comment: Usually people "Swing" because they are not comfortable with too much intimacy in a relationship. Having sex with multiple extra-marital partners allows the individual to maintain more emotional distance. You might think it sounds fun to have sex with multiple partners but if you want to experience profound intimacy, then you need to stick with the one partner that you really love. If you are certain that your partner wants the same amount of distance, then this is not selfish. However, I would advise you to be sure.
Of course, if you don't really love your partner, then go for it.
Comment: Due to the fact that I am a very sensitive and caring physician, I stopped for a minute and listened to what Susan was saying even though she was saying it in an offensive way. She said, "Speak to both parties." I realized that after 15 years of no sex these two needed more than just a pill. I had both of them come in for counseling and we realized an interesting truth. They had grown selfish and self-centered over the years without routine physical contact. It took some time and we had to start slow but George and Susan were able to become truly intimate once again. I take full credit and I even fancy myself as a psychia-stud.Couple #6. George and Susan. George is a 64 year old carpenter and he has been married to Susan for 45 years. They raised two children and have lived in the same home for more than thirty years. Early in their relationship they had a good sex life but George has diabetes and his ability to function became worse as he aged. They had not had sex in 15 years when a new medication called Viagra® came on the market.
George's physician prescribed this new medicine for him and he was rejuvenated. He began wanting sex every day. You might think this was a wonderful happy ending for these two lifelong lovers…right?
Well, I happen to be George's doctor and I can tell you that Susan was not happy at all. To my chagrin, she came to my office one day and she was mad as hell. She said, "Before you go interfering in someone's marriage you need to speak with both parties."
The language she used, both verbal and non-verbal, was a bit more dramatic than the way I re-enacted it but I think you get the point. So, why was she mad?
It turns out that she was doing just fine not having to satisfy her husband anymore. She was not at all interested in suddenly jump starting their sexual relationship. Also, he had forgotten an essential rule in regards to sex. As my old football coach used to say, "Son, you gotta heat up the oven before you stick in the sausage."
In other words, they had to re-kindle the romance.
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All of these marital relationships are real. Of course, the names have been changed to protect the innocent but it should now be much easier for you to conceptualize that great sex in marriage is not something to be taken for granted. In fact, you have to be educated about sexual dysfunction, you have to care about pleasing your partner, and you have to remember to focus on your lover more than on yourself. You also need to make sure that you maintain physical contact with your lover because the connection you have can wither.
The key is whether or not you are selfish.
How about if one or both members of the couple are truly selfish, meaning truly unselfish, is there a sexual problem in existence that cannot be overcome?
I would think that death would be difficult to overcome but there are those who don't see this as a barrier. Sorry, there will be no further references to necrophilia.
Severe dementia or brain injury may qualify as being difficult to overcome but I have seen such individuals who were still able to be sexually aroused.
Even if you are paralyzed from the neck down there is still the likelihood that you are interested in sex. And, guess what, you still have a fully operational tongue. In fact, a lot of girls might prefer you because you would put more effort into it compared to a routine fully functional but falsely selfish man. Oddly, it can be very satisfying to a man to satisfy a woman even if he is not satisfied at all.
As an aside, how do you think Levystien can get away with saying things that are so inappropriate? Shouldn't his Russian Orthodox fiancé get offended and run away?
Well…would you run away if you were having five orgasms every day?
In regards to me being a great lover, I'm not bragging. I'm just pointing out how easy it is to be a great lover. OK, you have to put a little effort into it but you don't have to be a rocket scientist.
You just have to care.
Here is a great example of two people who learned to care about each other. Douglas Brown* and his wife decided to have sex every day for 100 days. They had the general idea that this might make their relationship better but it was truly an experiment and they did not know in advance how it would work out.
It turns out that the daily physical contact made them more aware of each other. They became less self-centered and began to truly understand what the other needed. Before you knew it, they were pleasuring each other like never before.
It has now been some time since they did this experiment but they still touch each other more frequently and pleasure each other more fully than they did before.
Why did it take this couple such an elaborate activity in order to figure out that they needed to focus on each other and care about each other?
What about Fr. Yuri? Why can't he see that he needs to care more about pleasing his wife?
What about you? Why are you reading this chapter and realizing this stuff for the first time?
Why do so many people fail to have satisfying sexual relationships throughout their married lives?
It is because, for whatever reason, they are not focused on providing pleasure to the one individual that they love the most.
Thus, in Levystien's opinion, the only truly dysfunctional thing in regards to marital sex is if either partner is unwilling to communicate and do whatever is necessary to please their lover. If this is the case, then there is no hope.
On the other hand…It's just sex!
Anyone who genuinely cares about their partner can have great sex themselves for the rest of their existence on this planet.
*Douglas Brown is a feature writer for The Denver Post.
Intermission
