Chapter 1
The Why
(I was going to call this book LEVYSTIENISM because my ulterior motive is to create a new religion. Then, I could become known as The Guru Levystien. However, that idea is really stupid.)
This book is about how and why humans do religion. It is also written as a sequel to ME OF LITTLE FAITH by Lewis Black. OK, I know you're supposed to be the same author as the one who wrote the first book if you're going to write a sequel but, fuckit, I'm writing this one.
(Lewis Black uses the word "Fuck" a lot and I use it simply to be like him. Should you find that offensive, then I would suggest that you discontinue reading this book. Or, you could continue reading this book and just be mad about it. In which case, I will stop saying, "Fuckit," and I will start saying, "FUCK YOU!")
In Lewis Black's 2008 bestselling book entitled ME OF LITTLE FAITH ... actually it says on the cover that he is a bestselling author but not that this is a bestselling book ... well ... in any case, his book is about religion. Despite the fact that he is a self-proclaimed know-nothing about religion, he decided to write a book anyways ... just because he can. I think that he would agree with me on that last point.
Most likely he wrote ME OF LITTLE FAITH because he is an intellectual who is capable of independent thought and he is pissed off because he has so few people to talk to. He is pissed off because it seems obvious to him that religion is nonsense and yet everyone who he attempts to have a conversation with seems to think that there is a God, or Gods or a great spirit or mystic being...or some such bullshit.
That line about "some such bullshit" is a quote from the Mike Myers movie entitled The Love Guru. My ten year-old son thoroughly enjoyed this line and it was repeated over and over and over in my household. The line goes something like this:
"How my greatest student became my greatest teacher ... or some such bullshit, gotta go!"
I couldn't remember exactly how this line was delivered so I shouted out to my son in the next room, "What was that thing about 'some such bullshit?"
He rattled off the line with inflection and everything. It was even funny when he said it.
In any case, I think what really pisses off Lewis Black is that he secretly wants very badly for there to be a God and for life to have some sort of meaning.
So do I.
Lewis Black is pretty funny when he talks about religion. However, the all time reigning religious comedian is the king himself, George Carlin. Unfortunately, I didn't understand George Carlin's When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops enough to write a sequel to it. Therefore, I am writing a sequel to ME OF LITTLE FAITH.
The truth is that Lewis and I share a lot in common. We both descend from Russian Jews and we both grew up in America surrounded by multiple Christian denominations. We are both basically optimistic and both wish there was a God. We both would like for some tradition somewhere to actually mean something. Also, we both think that all religion everywhere is bullshit.
Here is one more little tidbit that has no particular significance. My father's middle name was Louis. Apparently, the kids thought that name was a bit effeminate so he gave me no middle name at all. I was supposed to choose my own middle name when I grew up but it had to begin with the letter "L." (He had monogrammed hankies that he wanted to pass down to me. At least, I think it was hankies. I don't know, it was something that I lost a long time ago.)
Let's see, a middle name that begins with an "L" ... Hmmmmm ... Larry ... Leon ... Lavar, as in Burton, ... Oh, screw poppa, I'm going with Louis!
Oh yeah, there is one major difference between me and "Lou ... weeeeeeez ..." Black. It has to do with education. I have it and he, apparently, does not.
Actually, I don't have any idea what his education level is but based on his book ME OF LITTLE FAITH, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know crap about human anthropology or cognitive neuroscience. That is, he has no clue why or how humans do behaviors such as religion.
In fact, the few people that I know that are capable of independent thinking don't know crap about anthropology or cognitive neuroscience either. I would even go so far as to say that you probably don't know crap about anthropology or cognitive neuroscience. If you did, you wouldn't be wasting your time reading this piece of shit.
Anthropology, or more specifically human anthropology, means the study of the human species. How did we evolve? What is our nature? How are we constructed? And cognitive neuroscience is the study of how the human brain processes information. It is about how our brains work?
Ah hah! These are the sciences that might tell us something about how and why we do religion.
I know a lot of people who talk about how crazy religion is. They seem to think that there is this mystery of life whereas people just think and believe weird things. In fact, it is not all that mysterious.
Perhaps ... maybe ... you just need a little education about who and what a human really is.
Humans are a very peculiar species. For example, most other species around the planet have multiple closely related species and other living things that are not that far away from them on the evolutionary tree. Humans don't.
For example, we own a male Yellow-Naped Amazon Parrot. Our neighbors have a female Double-Yellow Headed Amazon Parrot. I naively said, "Hey, let's get these two together."
The thing of it is, is ... (I don't know why I always say that.) Anyways, the thing of it is, is that they are not the same species and will not mate.
I'm thinking, "But they look so much alike?"
In fact, there are something like 20 or 30 species of Amazon Parrots. Then, there are thousands of species of parrots and millions of species of other birds.
Why isn't there even one species of Homo anything that isn't human? Why is there not even one other hominid anywhere on the planet? Why do we live on one skinny little overhanging branch of the evolutionary tree? A skinny little branch that hangs all alone?
There are the other primates like chimps and there are books about how we are 98% the same but, in reality, humans have to go pretty far back in time to find a common ancestor. All the branches on our part of the evolutionary tree simply fell off except Homo sapiens sapiens.
Humans don't even have very much genetic variability within our own single species on our own single branch.
There is a lot of superficial physical variance among humans but genetically there is not. Troy and Twiggy are the same species and could easily produce offspring. And you would most certainly watch. I don't know what that means but...
Wait just a gol-darn minute, "You are saying that there is not a single other hominid currently alive anywhere on this planet that belongs to any other species?"
Yes ... I mean, No ... I mean, yes, there is not.
"What about Danny DeVito?"
Well ... OK, maybe
In any case, we are a very young and homogenous species that has populated the entire globe.
Let me explain. (Here comes the anthropology stuff.) OK, as briefly as I can say this ... hmmm ... let's see ... OK, six million years ago the earth was warming up from one of the ice ages that we routinely go through. The ocean level dropped and Africa was no longer just a jungle. Now there were huge grassy expanses filled with things to eat. Herd animals evolved to take advantage of this new and plentiful food source.
I won't say, "Monkey see, monkey do," but the forefather of all hominids came down out of the trees and began to walk upright through the tall grass. He began to run and to eat meat. One general rule on this planet is that wherever there is a food source there will be a living thing trying to evolve itself to take advantage of that food source. And there will be another living thing evolving itself to take advantage of the first living thing and etc., etc.
The best way for a group of bipeds to hunt for a gazelle while avoiding the lions is to work together as a team. Those selfish monkey forbearers had mostly eaten fruits and nuts and hung around (literally) in small groups with an alpha male but these new hominids became meat eating egalitarians. Each group ran around like a little football team caring only about the procurement of food. An early hominid football coach would have said, "Eye on the prize!"
Once we became hunters and gatherers those that could function unselfishly like a team were the ones that survived. The need for teamwork was so strong that our evolution began to favor being a little more social. Ultimately, one species (us), took this way over the top and became the most sociable creature on Earth.
Then, several more cycles of ice, no ice, ice, no ice later and all the hominids out on the prairie learned a hard lesson. It became evident that they probably should have stayed in the trees. All the species that stayed in the tress have not changed or evolved terribly much. The jungle niches are warm and comfortable. Out in the open is where most of the severe environmental changes occur. That is where the selective pressure is most intense.
The problem out on the plateaus was that each species of hominids would evolve to master a particular environment and then that environment would change. They would subsequently fail to survive.
Somehow or other, we think, Homo sapiens almost failed to make it. Their total number was likely reduced down to the thousands, maybe less. One of these few may have been our most recent common ancestor (MRCA) or the individual that all Homos descend from. Let's not do the Y-chromosome Adam and Mitochondrial Eve thing right now but suffice it to say, it's complicated.
Then, bingo! We made a come from behind fourth quarter surge. Tom Bradiopticus marched us downfield in the final two minutes.
But what was the essential mutation that enabled us to make it
Well, unlike all the other hominids, we grew these huge neocortexes in a relatively short time. Then, we started talking to each other with complex language. Talk about being social...Oy!
Do you think that had anything to do with it?
All the Neanderthals and Homo erectus or erecti or whatever and other hominids did not survive. The last of them died out around 20,000 years ago.
Wait a minute, there is a last minute entry here. We just discovered a new species called Homo floresiensis that stood about three feet tall and lived in isolation on the Indonesian island of Flores. We think they lived as recently as 13,000 years ago! My guess is that when one of those mainland farming Homos figured out how to make a boat the Homo floresiensis were eliminated by communicable disease. Just a guess.
So, intense selective pressure out on the plateau plus almost being eliminated may explain how we came to be such a young and genetically homogenous species. And something about our MRCA that I don't fully understand.
Our species grew quickly and thrived despite a changing environment. Somehow, we figured out how to adapt. Soon we had every niche to ourselves. Mother nature can be so fickle.
We also changed from being hunted to being the most dominant of all hunters.
How in the hell did Homo sapiens ever become the king of the jungle, I mean the plateau?
It wasn't due to size or strength or quickness, that's for sure. It was because we grew brains that could network. It was because we developed biology that enabled us to work as a team. The rapid growth of our brains has had one goal. Teamwork.
We see software programs in our brains today and we imagine why they evolved. It would seem like a lot of them evolved to improve sociability. For example, you can give a really difficult test of logic using numbers and demonstrate that a human has trouble finding the correct answer. Then, you can give the same test but state the question in terms of a social idea and the human gets it easily.
They say that football is like life. Well, my old high school coach used to always say, "You think like a team, you act like a team, you eat like a team and you even piss like a team!"
I can imagine groups of hunters and gatherers becoming cohesive like championship football teams. And like a good team, the more cohesive you become the more you want to bury those damn Longhorns in the dirt. Thus, in-group cohesion translated to out-group violence. Have you ever seen West Side Story?
Then, about 15,000 years ago Homo sapiens got the idea to stop hunting and gathering. They decided, instead, to become farmers. This allowed for rapid population growth from a relatively small gene pool.
Then, somewhere along in our evolutionary past, one single wisenheimer got a genetic mutation that allowed for year-round mating. This fucker had his way with every girl he could find. In or out of season. He did this while his buddies were sitting around scratching their balls. You can imagine how genetically advantageous it was to mate year-round. Pretty soon the characteristic of being "in heat" was obsolete.
Actually, the year round mating thing was likely the result of numerous genetic mutations that arose over a long period of time. I just thought the "one-horny-fucker" story made for better print.
In any case, farming resulted in large societies that grew up rather fast from small gene pools and then these societies would conquer a neighboring society and quickly exchange DNA. It didn't take long for the year-round mating gene to spread. Soon, all humans everywhere were fucking like rabbits. No, rabbits don't even fuck this much. Why isn't the saying, "To fuck like a human?"
Even today, military campaigns are mostly about fucking. Millions of GIs go in and beat up and kill all the men and then fuck all the women. That is how we do it. I don't know why we are not fucking more girls in Iraq? Maybe we are?
In this manner it is easy to see how our genes quickly spread around the world. In fact, it is likely the case that every living human today is a direct descendant from only a few hundred conquerors.
For example, modern genetics has confirmed that Genghis Khan's genetic material is in one out of every eight eastern Europeans alive today.
OK, what does all this have to do with religion? Bare with me on this.
Religious beliefs used to be quite different. Before the advent of farming, the old hunters and gatherers had been pretty independent in their thinking. They were not very selfish and they didn't care about conquest. They just wanted a good meal and then they wanted to sit around and fart. Their religious beliefs mostly explained things they did not understand like volcanoes or comets or rain, etc.
They also needed to play like a team so their religions were very similar to a pre-game pep rally. You know, with lots of singing and chanting and dancing to get everyone fired up.
The new farming idea required very large groups of humans to be a bit more sedentary but to all still behave in unison. Evolution now favored an entire society of moronic automatrons. However, there needed to be a few leaders that were capable of independent thinking. Therefore, we evolved so that 90% of humans are followers and 10% can think for themselves.
My friends at the Mile High Skeptics club have this idea that if we educate everyone then maybe they will stop believing weird things. They can't imagine or understand what it is like to care more about thinking in a uniform way with others than about discovering reality.
Reality doesn't bite, it just doesn't matter.
In regards to the vast majority of humans maintaining fanciful religious beliefs, these stats have repeatedly popped up:
90% of humans believe that God exists and 10% do not.
Recent human history has rewarded farmers who do what they are supposed to do and do it in the same way together with everyone else and without making any fuss. Correspondingly, religion has morphed from simply explaining inexplicable phenomena to creating fictitious God Kings who have rules about how to live.
Now, we can all be on the same team and all work together and all follow the same set of rules and all do what King Kamehameha (ex-Hawaiian dictator) says to do.
Most modern religions were created for the political purpose of controlling a population. It is how a few lazy fat fucks can get away with telling everyone else what to do.
Furthermore, our biology changes over time through the process of natural selection. If you don't know what natural selection is then you are probably a protestant. If you are a protestant, then I would assume that you don't like me saying the word FUCK so much. I have never understood why the protestants are so obsessed with language. In fact, these same people usually think that the act of fucking is not even OK. You probably think that, too, even though you have been fucked about a million times. The Protestants have survived, so they must be doing some serious fucking ... OK ... Ahm ... Anyways...
Farming produces large groups of humans, most of whom will allow themselves to be told what to do by a small elite. In this way nature has selected for those who have a burning desire to think and act just like everyone else. It did not select for idiots like Lewis and me who write stuff like this that pisses people off. It did, however, select for a few of us.
A good example is my wife and son. Yesterday, I watched a really funny Penn and Teller video about people who believe that fast food is evil or unhealthy or the root cause of obesity in this country or about half a dozen other really bad things. I asked my loved ones, "What do you think about eating at McDonalds?" (As you read their responses bear in mind that we eat there a lot.)
I was immediately told, "McDonalds food has tons of calories, it will make your teeth turn black, it causes your immune system to malfunction, it contains nothing but sugar which is really bad for you, it has chemicals that make the food not spoil after three months and food has to spoil or it is not healthy." They also said a few other things that I can't even remember.
I am a 46 year old physician and I calmly told them that these things they have heard are not true. I said, "There is no such chemical that can make a hamburger not spoil for three months."
They became emotional and called me names and said I was mentally ill and asked what was wrong with me. This is a true story.
I think that they just wanted to think and believe what they perceived others in their herd are thinking and believing. I don't think that reality mattered to them. That's why people are so gullible and believe so many things that they hear on their face.
And it's not just my family.
I would say that the vast majority of humans that I talk to have some sort of weird or ridiculous things they believe. It seems like they would rather kill you than relinquish these ideas. They believe these things even though these things are just things that they heard someone say once. Even when, or especially when, confronted with absolute proof to the contrary, they vigorously maintain these silly ideas.
It is the human way.
You may be thinking, "OK, maybe we didn't evolve to be critical thinkers but it is certainly something we can still choose to do. Isn't it?"
Sure, you can still choose to think critically. I'm just saying that the vast majority of humans will behave in a way that is consistent with their programming.
As this book proceeds I am going to make the argument that humans are what I call intelligently illogical. If we had evolved to play chess we would not have survived. The illogical way we think is actually pretty smart considering the environment that we are in.
OK, I'm getting a little off track. Let me change course a bit and try to focus down on what I am trying to say.
·
At some point in the near future I will summarize Lewis Black's book entitled ME OF LITTLE FAITH. I want to bring you up to date, if you have not read it, so you will understand what I'm talking about.
Before I do, I want to make one really big point:
If you are one of the 10% who think independently, your purpose in life is to take care of the other 90% who don't.
You are like a lead horse in a herd that is running. You should run around the herd. You should run in front of the herd. You should run on the side and in the back of the herd. Without your guidance the entire herd may run off a cliff.
You certainly should not stand somewhere else outside the herd and talk shit about all the idiots who are blindly running towards the cliff.
If you are an independent thinker, then you understood what I just said but it probably made you feel uneasy. You have most likely devoted a large portion of your adult life to talking shit about the people who can't think for themselves.
But, don't get all high and mighty. Independent thinkers usually believe something that is fantasy, too. For example, there is one weird thing that Lewis and I both believe. We know it is absolute and total bullshit, but here it is:
"If you just talk long enough and say enough logical rational stuff then everyone will understand what is real and what is not real and stop being so stupid."
Obviously, this won't happen.
Another interesting point is that a herd of horses is usually led by an alpha mare. That is, by a woman. A man, or stallion, runs around in back and on the side protecting the herd. So, despite the fact that we tend to think of a man as being a horse's ass, the horse's ass that most of the herd follows is on a woman. Actually, this is likely the reason they follow her ... I'm just saying.
Let's go back for a moment to 1978 so I can explain which group I belong in.
When I was in high school there were a lot of people who were smoking marijuana. I learned that marijuana was not very toxic and that there may have been other reasons it was made illegal. I figured that smoking weed was totally OK but, nevertheless, I didn't do it. The reason I refrained was because there was always peer pressure involved. No one ever just offered it, they always tried hard to get me to do it with them. I tend to automatically reject anything that anybody is trying to pressure me to do, just as a matter of course. The first time I was in a situation where pot was being smoked without pressure to do it, I did it.
As I have grown older, I have come to appreciate that most people do or do not smoke pot based primarily on the peer pressure involved. Sort of like the herd of horses running towards the cliff.
I don't say all this because I think I am better than someone who can't think for themselves. I say this because I wish I was one of them. I truly desire to be sitting on the first row at church with glassy eyes and listening to a bunch of trite expressions and thinking, "How profound."
I don't like that I know I will die. How I envy all those who think they won't.
The other thing is that I can't be on the team. I have to sit alone up in the press box or in a bar talking to the one other person who isn't like everyone else. Just because I think independently does not mean that I don't have the normal human desire to be a part of the group.
Sometimes I try pathetically to join in. For example, someone will say that they thank the lord for this or that or some other thing and I may say something like, "Me too."
I figured out that if you don't believe it at least a tinsy tiny little bit, then you just can't phrase things correctly. I said, "Me too." Geeeez.
·
OK, I guess that I should have summarized ME OF LITTLE FAITH by now but I am having too much fun. How about if I blow it off until chapter two. Feel free to go ahead and skip to it if you like. I'll be finishing up here with a few final points about humans being mostly moronic automatrons.
To tell you the truth, I have hardly even read ME OF LITTLE FAITH. I mean, I read it to about chapter 5 or 6 at which point I became inspired to write this stuff. I guess I need to stop writing and keep reading. Especially if I plan on summarizing the whole damn thing in chapter two!
Well, OK, I'll finish talking about automatrons and then I'll go read it and come back and write the next chapter.
Let me stress that I don't judge you negatively if you are one of the folks who make jokes about people who blindly believe or who believe weird things. Michael Shermer, the guy who wrote Why People Believe Weird Things, is a hero of mine. Laughing about people who believe in tarot cards, astronomy, creationism, space aliens, conspiracy theories, acupuncture, chiropractic care, mysticism, Oprah Winfrey, or anything else that is absolutely nuts, is great fun and an endless source of humor. I obviously love doing it as I am on my 5th book and I'm not slowing down.
Nevertheless, anger and hatred have no business in the discussion. You can't be mad when you see 90% of humans acting like ... well ... acting exactly like humans. You can laugh about it but you can't be mad about it. I think that the reason so many of my skeptic friends have such negative emotions is that they really want to be a part of the group but they were unfortunate enough to be one of the few who could think for themselves.
OK, back to talking about automatrons. First, let me explain what it means to be an automatron or, that is, a modern day Homo. I mean ... as in Homo sapiens. Here is an example:
When a performing hypnotist gets on stage to do a show he will give the audience several instructions. "Everyone stand up ... everyone stretch high ... everyone roll your heads ... OK, everyone sit down slowly." He watches the entire audience and spots those that most easily follow his instructions. Then, those are the ones he invites on stage. They are what you call "suggestible."
Less than 20% of us make excellent stage hypnosis subjects but around 80% of us are reasonably good at following suggestions.
Before I go on, TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!.
OK, how many looked? How many wanted to look? How many thought to themselves, "Fuck you."
I would guess that 90% of people would at least want to look or feel slightly compelled to look and less than 10% would think, "Fuck you."
Most of us are suggestible. For example, I went with a friend to her Methodist church and on the way she said, "I want to go to some poor Mexican province to make tennis courts for the indigent."
I thought to myself, "What is that about?"
We get to her church and there is a big sign in the hall that says, "Go to this Mexican province and help make tennis courts for the indigent."
Most people want to do what they are told to do and they want to do what everyone else is doing. Those that don't are weird. Independent thinkers are usually marginalized.
I should start a new charity for people who fail to go along with the crowd. I'll call it The National Association For The Advancement of Skeptical People. (NAASP)
Skeptics really should be seen as a minority. However, instead of raising money to help them go to college and stuff like that we should simply identify them for the purpose of more directly shitting on them. That way they are forced to NOT run in the herd. We actually need them to run outside the herd so they can see where we are going.
The majority of Homo sapiens who have been breed to be moronic automatrons have an unusually strong need to marginalize any individual who is not considered to be in the "in" group. Truly altruistic skeptics who care about the rest of the human species will allow themselves to be marginalized to the end that the group they care about can be stable and productive.
Alright, I'll go read the God-damned book.
