EVERYTHING ELSE
When you title a chapter “Everything Else” it means that you have run out of ideas. I have run out of ideas but if you think that will stop me from writing this chapter, think again. Also, if you think the other chapters in this book were all over the place and chaotic and things were flying in from out of nowhere…just sit back, strap it on, and lets ride...
Quotes from the ten biggest idiots of all time
- Lafayette Ronald Hubbard: I'm certain that you've had your fill of quotes from good ol’ L. Ron, so here’s a quote from his son, Ronald DeWolf (Formerly L. Ron Hubbard Jr.): "99% of what my father ever wrote or said about himself is totally untrue."
- *Vickie Lynn Hogan: (AKA Anna Nicole Smith) “Just you watch me go. I am fitter, prettier, curvier, and more together than I can ever remember -- not that I can recall too much about the last few years.”
- Geraldo Rivera: “I’d like to give divorce a good name.”
- Rush Limbaugh: "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He is moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox."
- Tom Cruise: "When you talk about postpartum what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that.”
- Imelda Marcos: "I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it's so petty."
- Michael Jackson: One picture is worth a thousand quotes.
- Dan Quayle: “What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
- Iron Mike Tyson: “Call me Abdul.”
- The 20 million people who bought a copy of DIANETICS: “L. Ron is a great man. He is a writer and professional in dozens of fields.”
I feel so ashamed to be a professional in only one field. Speaking of professionalism, would you like to know my professional opinion about all these idiots?
Well, not having actually met any of these individuals I can still be 100% certain that I know exactly what is wrong with each of them. I know that sounds pretty arrogant and it sounds like a statement that could earn me a place on the list but, nevertheless, it’s true.
OK, Here we go: L. Ron had bipolar disorder with paranoid features and megalomania. Anna Nicole had borderline personality disorder and a low IQ. Geraldo has an unusually strong need for everyone to love him (typical Democrat) and Rush has an unusually strong need to be right (typical Republican). Rush also has a narcotic addiction. Tom was stupid enough to believe what his friends told him. Imelda is royalty. Michael Jackson abuses sedatives and opioids and is a pedophile. Dan is a nice guy with a low IQ and Iron Mike is a mean guy with a low IQ.
The 20 million people who were suckered by L. Ron were normal people with average to below average IQs. The funny thing is that if you are stupid enough to believe that his words of wisdom are profound then, for you, they are.
Oh, what the hell, here’s some L. Ron quotes:
Truly inspirational rhetoric
“On the day when we can truly trust each other, there will be peace on earth.”
L. Ron Hubbard
“All the happiness you ever find lies in you.”
L. Ron Hubbard
“He who can truly communicate with others is a higher being who builds new worlds.”
L. Ron Hubbard
“The only richness there is is understanding.”
L. Ron Hubbard
“Dreams, goals, ambitions- these are the stuff man uses for fuel.”
L. Ron Hubbard
You are probably thinking to yourself, “These are just platitudes. Is Dianetics and Scientology based entirely on platitudes?”
How about I give you the 10 smartest people of all time. Understand that it won’t be the least bit funny. I’m just doing it to show you that I’m not a total cynic.
The 10 smartest people of all time
- Archimedes
- Galileo Galilei
- Sir Isaac Newton
- Albert Einstein
- Max Planck
- Leonardo da Vinci
- Charles Darwin
- Linus Pauling
- Marie Curie
- Noam Chomsky
I’m trying real hard to think if there is anyone left that I have failed to offend. Let’s see, I pissed off the Scientologists, Christians, Jews, Islamic people, Fags, Women, Redskin fans, moms, democrats, republicans, bigots, English teachers, holistic medicine healers, and astrologers. At least I didn’t upset the Aborigines, or maybe I did by omission.
What did I say that all these people found so offensive? I did not directly attack any individual, well, except Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah, and the 10 idiots list. But other than that I wasn’t calling anyone a mother-fucker or anything like that. Why did everyone get so upset with me?
A characteristic that is extremely human is to hold things sacred. Somewhere along the road of life we pick up things that we decide to believe so intensely that we are willing to die, or kill, to prove that our belief is right and someone else’s is wrong. Because this characteristic is in our gene pool, it must have provided some evolutionary advantage somewhere, you know, back in the day. But what? And how?
Certainly, if you lived a million years ago on the plains of Africa and you believed that a tiger would never eat a human, and you believed this so strongly that no one could tell you otherwise, you likely did not pass your genetic load to subsequent generations. However, if the entire tribe was doomed and you had to swim the Indian Ocean to save everyone then this is a task for someone who believes he can do it even though it is a crazy belief and everyone is saying, “Don’t do it!!”
Maybe a lot of individuals down through history in similar circumstances failed, but we descend from the ones who made it. So, I have retained the characteristic of always thinking that I am right. Ha…maybe you finally agreed with something?
In regards to leaders, those that listened to others and didn’t try…perished. The ones who were indecisive and didn’t know what to do…perished. Even the ones who simply didn’t think and act quick enough…perished. The assholes that thought they knew what was right and who quickly charged ahead became our forefathers.
If you went out on your own a long time ago you probably did not make it. The groups that survived had a strong leader and he was a guy who always thought he was right and would act without hesitation. Everyone else had the characteristic of following him and being influenced by him and doing whatever he said to do and thinking it was right.
Can you imagine; L. Ron and a bunch of Tom Cruises?
I guess the point is that I'm calling people idiots but they are just doing what humans are programmed to do. Well, some of them are idiots but most of them just appear to be idiots because their behavior is instinctual rather than rational.
When you instinctually believe L. Ron, simply because he is assuming the role of a leader, it makes you appear as though you are an idiot. In fact, I'm sure that Tom Cruise is reasonably intelligent. Does that make any sense?
•
OK, I'm rambling. How about I try to focus a little here at the end of this book and try to actually say something that matters.
In regards to the most important point I want to make in this book, here it is:
We are all the same A human is a human is a human. Except men, who we all know are dogs. Just kidding. We are all the same. No one is different.
“Unlike everyone else, I’m exactly the same.”
From the movie Life Of Brian:
Brian: “You are all individuals.”
Person in the crowd (tentatively raising his index finger:) “I'm not.”
Let me try this again. I’m not talking about your ability to think and act independently. Of course, you are all individuals. You can choose to be a part of the heard or you can choose to think for yourself. You can choose to run for congress and pass anti-predator legislation or you can choose to molest little boys. I’m talking about our nature. Not what it is you choose to be or do but what it is that you are.
I am nothing like that crazed Palestinian suicide bomber!
I am nothing like that blood thirsty lunatic Charles Manson!
I am nothing like those blundering idiots on 9/11!
I am nothing like that kid who blew up the federal building in Oklahoma!
Let’s see...Israel, Los Angeles, New York, Oklahoma...yeah, it’s all them and not us.
These same things happen everywhere. People are the same wherever you go.
There is good and bad in everyone,
we learn to live when we learn to give,
each other what we need to survive,
together alive...Sir Paul McCartney
I think this may have been one of the songs that Michael Jackson bought from Sir Paul. Whether it was or not, I certainly wish it could have been in his head when he was hanging his toddler off the fourth floor balcony.
Let’s go back to Star Wars. After 1000 years of the good side dominating there needed to be a restoration of “balance” to the Force. We finally found out in episode three, which was really episode six in reverse, there needed to be a resurrection of the “dark side.” Anakin and Vader turn out to be the same person. There is good and bad in everyone.
You must open your eyes and see the dark side in yourself and the dark side in others and understand it and embrace it and work with it and not simply ignore it. The dark side can only ruin you if you ignore it. Hey, Levystien just came up with a platitude. Let’s make it big and put it in lights:
Evil only destroys you when you ignore it.
OK, I changed the wording a bit but doesn’t that sound great!
Even the characteristic of seeing “us” as good and “them” as bad is the same in all people everywhere. Do you think that they are over there thinking that they are the evil ones and we are the good ones? Do you think that a suicide bomber thinks he himself is the evil one?
Humans act selfishly, desire control, dichotomize everything, protect the family, fight to survive, band together in groups, nurture the young, believe in things unseen, sacrifice for the group, self-aggrandize, get angry, act lazy, over indulge, seek revenge, lust, love, hate, envy, covet...did I leave anything out?
“What about mental illness?"
"Maybe the difference between them sand niggers and us good ol’ boys is that we are sane and they are crazy. What do you think? Does psychiatric illness vary in different groups of people or is it ubiquitous?”
There are some slight trends that very a little depending on how isolated the group of people is but in general the major illnesses such as schizophrenia, affective illness, anxiety conditions, obsessive compulsive disorder, sociopathy, and personality disorders occur in the same proportions in all people everywhere.
“But I wear a pearly white Stetson on my head and he wears a turban?”
Yeah, but you both cover your heads.
“But I light candles and kiss an image of the mother of god and he does not believe in having any images of God, or of the mother of God, or of any saints at all.”
Yeah, but you both believe in one God.
“Well, he prays to Allah and I pray to Jesus and we know this other guy who prays to YHWH which you can’t even pronounce because he thinks that a mortal is not supposed to be able to say the name of God.”
Yeah, but the one God that you all believe in is, you know what, THE SAME GOD!!!!!
We believe in one God, the God of Abraham and of Isaac. He created us in his own image and we fell from grace. He cares about us and will save us if we...OK, the details of how to get back into God’s graces differ from religion to religion but the concept is the same.
"What about being a good person?"
Well, Islam is a little more against things like alcohol and adultery and Christianity is a little more against retaliatory violence (well, theoretically) and Judaism is a little more against having even the appearance of having more than one God or of even uttering God’s real name. However, they all teach sound moral and ethical values.
If you only look at the “eye for an eye” versus “turn the other cheek” thing then it appears that the religions are vastly different. On the other hand, if you can step back and take in the entire religion you will see that if you are Christian sometimes you have conflict and if you are Jewish sometimes you negotiate. Overall, each of these religions instructs people to treat other people well.
People who only see differences tend to be people who focus on details. I think that most people tend to focus on details. Abstraction is the key. If you can see the big picture then everyone will look the same. Consider this question:
Is an apple the same thing as an orange?
Anna Nicole Smith- “No, they are very different. One is red and the other isn’t.”
Dan Quayle- “Yes, they are both round.”
Stephen Hawking- “Yes, they are both fruit.”
If you really think that it matters whether you call God Allah or Jesus or pretend no on knows his name and that is the most important thing about your faith, then you are likely mentally ill. The vast majority of the rest of us can easily see that the important thing is what you learn from your religion in regards to being moral and being a good person. In this latter regard there is not a lot of substantive difference between the religions.
"So, should I join Jews for Jesus?"
No.
"Why not?"
Do you think that Emmitt Smith ever wore a Redskin’s jersey to practice?
If you are going to participate in a monotheistic religion, then do it all the way. Don’t join the Catholic Church and then sit around and wonder if you should be Buddhist. Remember that no one really knows for sure what religious belief is right or wrong or good or bad and it doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that you have faith in something and if the religion you choose plans on winning any Super Bowls, then you better get on board and tow the line.
The Christians might be dead wrong about Mary having had an Immaculate Conception just like the Native Americans might have been smoking the peace pipe when they came up with the idea that we were made out of mud. The Virgin Mary might have been a naïve young girl who fell for a dashing older guy with bipolar mania who was going around screwing every girl that he could.
It doesn’t matter!
The important thing is that we all get on the same page and agree to believe the same things. Then, we can work together as a team and create a wonderful world.
Also, understand that you will go to heaven, or not go to heaven, but it won’t have anything to do with the number of times that you stomp your feet up and down and cry out, “God does exist!”
On the other hand, you can read and learn and wonder and think and consider everything in the universe and then consciously decide that you will believe in one God. You can do this and go to heaven, if that turns out to be a real place that exists, but I would argue that you are a much better Christian if you do this than if you blindly believe what your mom force-fed you.
Blind faith, by definition, is a faith in which you have no idea what you are believing or why. You could believe anything. You could be following anyone. The idiots who drank cool-aid in Guiana are wonderful examples of blind faith gone awry.
What if you learn everything about all religions and about science and the cosmos and everything and in the end you are pretty sure that there is no God but you choose to join a religion and worship and believe that there is a God and deep in your soul you really hope that there is. Then, you know what, you put a tear in the eye of Stupid Levystien.
Another way that you could put a tear in the eye of Levystien would be to twist what I am saying and think that it’s OK to be a bigot. Emmitt may not have worn a Redskin’s jersey but he does have respect for players on other teams. He would never dance on their logo after knocking them out of the playoffs. Why? Because we are all football players! We all work very hard and we all want to win the Super Bowl.
We are all the same.
Chinks, niggers, wops, ingines, spics, kikes, fags, bitches, sand-niggers, shoe shine boys, Jewish American Princesses, Polacks, honkies, crouts, limeys, jungle bunnies, cavemen (with deference to Geico), Aggies (remember when they used to make joke books), pale faces, cowboys (this one was derogatory when it was originally coined), redskins, and the worst one of all…half-breeds.
Imagine a bunch of Palominos running along and one of them says, “Look at those damn Morgans.”
Another one might respond, “Hey, I’ll fuck a donkey.”
OK, sorry about that donkey thing but remember,
We are all the same animal!
O.K., This book that is great is pretty much over but here is a little post script before you go.
As long as I’m a shrink and you are talking to me, which means you are talking to a shrink...Oh, yeah...shrink should definitely have been on the list. In any case, do you want to ask me any questions?
“What is George Bush’s psychiatric diagnosis?”
Alcoholism, of course. We all knew that, or had you forgotten?
“What about Dick Cheney?”
The vice president has had five heart attacks and he lives with congestive heart failure and atrial fibrillation. Contrary to his medical reports, he most likely has vascular dementia and/or has had a stroke or two.
Anyone else you want to know about?
“Hmmmmm…how about Robin Williams?”
He has bipolar disorder. He’s a very intelligent happy manic, but that’s obvious. Give me someone who is a little more difficult.
“OK, how about Timothy McVeigh?”
Paranoid schizophrenia, I think. Who else?
“Hitler?”
He likely had Parkinson’s disease. There is footage of him in which he clearly has a pill-rolling tremor. It would also explain the extreme rigidity in his thought process, especially near the end. Parkinson’s patients tend to be rigid in their arms and legs and also in their heads.
He likely also had tertiary syphilis. Perhaps he had sex with an infected Jewish hooker when he was a young man. That would explain a few things. OK, Who else?
“Van Gogh, didn’t he have bipolar disorder?”
Actually, he has been the poster child for the pharmaceutical companies that make medications for bipolar disorder but I think he does not fit the profile. Yes, a manic would use lots of bright colors and would paint large images but someone with bipolar disorder would typically be more chaotic or extreme.
Van Gogh began his artistic career in his thirties or forties and only painted for five or ten years. His paintings are generally well organized. The pathological quality about them is perseveration (repeating things over and over) and other signs of frontal brain injury. There is no record of stroke or head injury and the time course of his demise is consistent with a thing called fronto-temporal dementia (FTD). This type of dementia is often mistaken for bipolar disorder.
When I was at UCLA we had a patient who started painting compulsively after turning forty. He deteriorated over the course of about ten years and succumbed to fronto-temporal dementia. He had a variant of this disease that primarily affected his anterior temporal lobes more than his pre-frontal cortex early in the course of the disease. Due to his compulsive painting we have a nice record of his disease course from beginning to end. Take a look at his work and see if you can detect any similarities to Van Gogh. Of course, he’s no Van Gogh.
Early
Middle
Late
By the way, most people think that Hitler was a sociopath. He was not. Saddam was a sociopath. Hitler was a Marxist with an idea about how to make the world a better place. He maintained a single monogamous relationship and his peers respected him. His actions were motivated by ambitiousness, to be sure, but also by a desire to be altruistic and create a better world for his fellow man.
Oh, don’t be pissed at me for saying that. OK, I’ll give him a DSM diagnosis of Major Asshole not otherwise specified. Feel better now? Who else?
“Lyndon Johnson?”
Same as GW, it’s a Texas thing.
“I have a really big one. Here it is. Are you ready? OK…Jesus.”
Oh, bipolar disorder without a doubt. Jesus likely had a high IQ, like Robin Williams. People followed him and he told everyone he was the Son of God. His real father, the guy who screwed Mary, was probably manic, too.
One time I met this guy who was all glassy-eyed and preaching about Jesus and he told me that he had absolute proof that Jesus was the Son of God. This perked my curiosity and I took the bait and asked, “How do you know for sure?”
He said, “Logically, there are only three possibilities. Either he lied, he told the truth, or he was crazy. Since no one would die for a lie, and since he was clearly not crazy, then he must have been telling the truth.”
I’m thinking, “No, he clearly was crazy!!” But, I knew when to shut my mouth and walk away...unlike what I’m doing right now.
Who else?
“T.O?”
OK, got me. I don’t have a clue.
Incidentally, back to Jesus for a moment. The other reason I think he had bipolar disorder is because I see so many people on the psychiatry unit who have bipolar disorder and think that they are God. Well, some think they are Napoleon. Actually, Napoleon thought he was God, so maybe that’s the same thing.
By the way, Napoleon was also intelligent and likely had bipolar disorder. Maybe all the people with bipolar disorder who think they are Jesus or Napoleon are more right than they realize.
Also, when people are manic they have an incredible ability to survive terrible accidents and injuries because they have so much manic energy. To kill a manic you would have to actually get him with a kill shot. The spear to Jesus' side that produced blood and water sounds more like they hit his bladder. Also, only the fourth gospel reports any attempt at all to ensure that he was dead prior to burial. Of course, if there was a non-fatal stab wound then infection would still set in and even if you are the Son of God you wouldn’t have any Betadine® on hand back then. You would probably succumb in around, oh, forty days or so.
“What about you?”
Me?
“Yes you…asshole.”
OK...all right...if you must.
I don’t have psychosis and I don’t have affective illness or substance abuse or anything like that. I do, however, have multiple sclerosis. That’s why I’m on disability and have time to sit around and write stuff like this. It’s also evident in my lack of focus but I think that is partly what has made this book so enjoyable.
I actually used to be an Alzheimer disease researcher in a previous life. In regards to my MS, I have what they call, “Good prognosis MS.” That means that I’ve had it for 10 years and I’m not crippled. However, I do have some cognitive and emotional issues. I have had enough problems with memory retrieval, multi-tasking, calculating, and fatigue that they asked me to stop practicing medicine.
On the bright side, I get to play with my twin boys all the time. Also, I still make about as much as I made when I was working because I had good disability coverage (see, I’m not so stupid after all). In fact, I’m quite secure financially so I don’t need a dime from this book that is great.
...he...he...I guess I got the last laugh.
*I wrote this chapter two weeks before Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in her Florida hotel room. I considered taking her off the list out of respect but after much review I came to the conclusion that the way she died actually cemented her place on the list.
Ironically, she died alone and naked just like her idol, Marilyn Monroe. But believe me, she was no Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn was a very intelligent and talented woman with affective illness who was legitimately depressed and intentionally committed suicide. She died in her bed at her home in Los Angeles.
Anna had no talent and was an idiot who tried to take a shower while heavily intoxicated. She died with a total of eight sedatives and pain killers in her system including a fatal amount of chloral hydrate. She also died with a skin infection on her butt from over-injecting prescription medications. I'm sorry that she died but she was, objectively, a total idiot.
Post Script: The entire contents of this book are a complete work of fiction and I stand firmly behind absolutely none of it.