RELIGION
If you are not offended yet, and you are feeling left out, I encourage you to read this chapter about religion. I’m pretty sure you will be offended. However, you might not be offended if you hold absolutely nothing sacred. I think that myself and Bill Maher are the only two people on the planet that hold absolutely nothing sacred. So, unless you are one of us, prepare to be offended.
My son asked me, “Father, how did God make us?”
I put him on my lap and in my most comforting and soothing voice explained to him that God carefully formed us out of mud. Actually, I’m plagiarizing a Native American who was recently quoted in Time Magazine. This very astute American waited for the reader to giggle and then said, “Hey...you believe in an immaculate conception.”
OK, about religion:
All the religions that I’m talking about in this chapter are faith-based. This means they all have some silly crazy thing that they believe without having any proof that they are right and their belief makes perfect sense and everyone else’s is ridiculous. Other beliefs make them giggle. He...he...made out of mud...preposterous!
What does it mean to hold something “sacred?” It means to have a belief that is beyond discussion. You can talk about anything else you want to but don’t even contemplate that Jesus might not be the Son of God. That is not open for discussion!
Even the Jewish faith, which sometimes professes to hold nothing sacred, does hold something sacred. When I tried to convince my Rabbi that there were actually two separate but equal Gods, he was offended.
OK, once again we are entering a dimension that is formless and void in which Levystien is an idiot. You see, all the people in this life who have “faith” will hold something sacred and will do weird behaviors to try and convince themselves and everyone else that what they hold sacred is actually real and true.
Think about that logic.
Why would you want to prove a faith-based belief to be true? If you proved it true, then you would no longer need to have faith in it. In fact, why would you feel threatened by anything short of absolute proof that what you believe is true is true? That is the only thing capable of destroying your faith. How ironic is that?
The Egyptian Sun God, Ra
As an illustration: a long time ago there was a religion that believed, on faith, that the sun was the center of the universe and everything emanated from its light and warmth. This faith no longer exists because it was proven that the sun is not the center of the universe.
But what if science had proven the opposite? What if it was proven beyond a reasonable doubt that the sun is the center of the universe and that a life force emanates from the sun and wraps us all in its warmth and love? This faith-based religion would be just as doomed. Why have faith in something that obviously exists? There are no religions that are based on the sky being blue or the fact that the ocean is wet. These things are obvious.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Bill and I probably do hold something sacred. We like to argue...sorry Bill...I mean discuss things a lot and it’s irritating to us that so many people have things they refuse to discuss. However, Bill and I are likely no different. We just don’t know what our nasty little sacred secret is.
Hey, I have an idea. Since having a sacred secret makes you vulnerable to being offended, why don’t we have a contest to see who can offend Bill Maher? I would include myself in the contest but…screw you…I don’t hold anything sacred. Remember, I can use the word "screw" since my fiancé thinks it’s funny.
Now that we have made the point that there is no point in holding something sacred, lets move on to an area that will really make you mad. It’s the double-edge sword thing. Never heard of it? OK, here it is in a nutshell:
All faith-based religions are a double-edged sword.
These religions cut both ways. There is an upside and there is a downside. I’ll give you some examples and when I get to your religion you will no doubt be offended. Please bear in mind that I mean you no harm. In fact, the only ones I really want to offend are the atheists who fervently believe there is no God. My atheist friend says, “I strongly believe that believing in God is stupid.” Funny thing is that he’s not trying to be funny.
Agnostics, on the other hand, might be OK as long as they are not simply trying to be politically correct. Actually, it is uncharacteristic for a human to admit that he isn’t sure or that he doesn’t know something. If you are truly able to admit that you really don’t know if God exists or not, then you will be highly admired by Stupid Levystien.
A double-edged sword! Think about it. OK, let's start with Buddhism because not too many Americans know much about it. Maybe I can get into a groove on this thing prior to upsetting all the Christians. There are about 350 million Buddhists on Earth but they’re all pacifists and won’t care if I offend them. They are really hard to piss off. In fact, that’s one of their upsides. They also want to become truly awake and enlightened and they care about ending suffering in this life. Wow, how could anything be wrong with that?
Now, here’s the downside of Buddhism. Despite their desire to end suffering, can you name five Buddhists that have contributed significantly to the advances in modern medicine over the past 100 years? Is there poverty and suffering in most countries that are predominantly Buddhist?
The problem is that sitting around contemplating existence and trying really hard not to hurt anyone will actually hurt people by default. The world is too complex to sit back and let it happen and expect that there will be a good outcome or that the outcome is pre-ordained and there was nothing you could do about it anyway. You can sit back and let it happen and say, “That is how it is, man.” Intellectually, I like your attitude but people who you could have helped will be hurt.
Second, let’s talk Hindu, the oldest religion on the planet. They give us Reincarnation, yoga, nirvana, and, my personal favorite, Karma. What a nice sound, let’s say it again…Kaaaarma.
Oh, and what about Kama Sutra? Kamasutram, as they say in India, is the bible of sex and sexual positions. Of course, you know that I would like a religion that thinks sex is good. But what is the upside about Hinduism that my English teacher would actually think is good? And please don’t tell me that my English teacher has ever had sex. It would be a redeeming quality in her and I…OK, tell me she did it upside down on the fifty-yard line if it makes you feel better…“Yes, Mr. Nicholson, I CAN HANDLE THE THRUTH!!!”
Hinduism is 5000 years old and it’s difficult to give a single belief or even system of beliefs that define it. According to one source, under the heading “Basic Tenets” they write, “Hinduism lacks any unified system of beliefs or ideas.” It would seem to me that both the upside and the downside to this religion are obvious, he…he. So, let's skip Hinduism and move on to some real honest-to-God(s), no pun intended, mythology.
Lets discuss Greco-Roman Paganism. The Greeks and Romans believed in multiple gods. The upside is that you can find in these religions whatever it is that you need. Do you need strength? Do you need stamina? Do you need intellect? Do you need beauty? There is a source of comfort, support, compassion, inspiration, or whatever it is that you need in one or more of the Gods.
Want to get drunk and have sex with a small boy? Bacchus and Anteros (Eros’ pedophilic brother) would love to play with you. Obviously, that is a slight downside. I mean, assuming that you are not a pedophile. But, WOW, what an upside if you like little boys?
OK, back on the upside for the rest of us, the multiplicity of Gods allows a multiplicity of discussions about all the complexities of life. What could be wrong about a religious system that conforms to your every need? Other than justifying really bad behaviors, of course.
The big downside is unification. Or, rather, lack of unification. How can groups of humans come together and work together and overcome obstacles together if the tie that binds is fluid and elusive? If everyone is arguing and discussing all the complexities of life and existence and there is no general agreement or doctrine that tells everyone how it is, then how can we all get on the same page and work together to accomplish big things? How can we even maintain a cohesive society over time so that we can build on past failures and aim for future goals? Why don’t we ask the Greeks and Romans themselves? Wait a minute…Where’d they all go?
Can you see a pattern developing or do I need to do a few more religions prior to upsetting the Christians? The point is that any faith-based religion will have an upside that seems really nice, then there’s the downside. Levystien believes that the downside doesn’t mean the religion is bad. It means that you should know and understand the downside if you are going to revel in the upside. Only then can you be totally rational about this irrational thing we call religion. Or, you can be totally irrational about this rational thing we call Levystien and just say that he’s an idiot.
OK, I can’t upset the Christians without angering Islam and all the Jews at the same time so go with me on this dramatic entrance:
Imagine that the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey is playing and is getting louder and louder:
doooooo.......doooooooooo......do, dooooo!Du, du...du,du...du,du....
doooooo.......doooooooooo...do, dooooo!Look!
It’s huge
What is it?
Where did it come from?
What does it mean?
What does it want?
MONOTHEISM
On the upside, of course, it’s terribly simple. There’s only one God. The Jews, who are still around after 4,000 years to seemingly everyone’s chagrin, hope that he will take us to Heaven. The Christians know he will take us to Heaven and the Muslims want to take others with them to heaven.
Sorry, that was an unfair little poke at the Muslims. It’s that silly 9/11 thing that I can’t seem to get over. (Which, by the way, was as anti-Muslim as it was anti-Christian.)
In any case, let’s talk upside. One God! Only one God! No other Gods before me! Wow, that makes sense...I mean...If there is a creator why would he create other Gods? Also, if there is only one creation, how could multiple Gods have created it?
Maybe the first God forgot to get a patent and someone else went out and created Seattle’s Best Coffee…he...he...but then, doesn’t that promote coffee everywhere and isn’t that great for business?
Ah…the essence of one God. Empowerment of the individual! Forget all this “awe of the universe” stuff and realize that what I do matters. If there is only one God, then I need to get off my lazy chair and do what is really right and make things happen so that there is a good outcome. I can’t just sit back and be happy that the universe is so large and hard to imagine that I get a free ride and don’t have to do anything because nothing I can do would really matter.
Did anyone understand what I just said? Let me say it in a parable.
The Son of Tom
Jimmy, the son of Tom, came down from Heaven and was made man. For it is written that the son of Tom will take the Dallas Cowboys football team to the Promised Land. However, when he arrived he found that there were several groups in the organization that were doing things differently and there were several different philosophies that were being promoted.
They struggled during his first season because they had trouble working together as a team. Some of them got busted for banned substances and others got into fights on the sidelines. The Dallas police raided a house that several of the married team members had purchased together in order to conduct illicit activities outside the watchful eyes of their spouses. They finished the season a disappointing one and fifteen. But even in their lowest hour they were still able to defeat the Redskins.
During the off-season there was considerable criticism from the Dallas media. Everyone was pointing fingers at everyone. Jimmy called a press conference and in front of the media and in front of his team and in front of the whole world, he laid down his life for his friends. He told the news media that it was entirely his fault. He laid his hand on the blue star and claimed he would make everything better next year.
He said, “On my team, who-so-ever truly believes in me shall not perish at the hands of the media but shall have eternal life in Canton, Ohio.”
On the first day of training camp that very next season, Jimmy brought the team together. He told them that there would be no more late night parties, no more drugs and alcohol, no more wild women, no more being late to practice, no more pointing the finger, no more blaming each other and above all else, no more thinking differently.
From now on everyone will do things my way. Everyone will eat, drink, sleep, walk, run, bath, dress, and think my way. There will be only one way to do things…my way. Deon will no longer worship his gold chains, Michael will no longer worship his ladies of the night, and Leon will put absolutely nothing up his nose. I will give you a playbook and a code of personal conduct that you will all follow to the letter. We eat as a team, sleep as a team, breath as a team, and even piss as a team.
Low and behold, in the crisp autumn air under a dome with a hole that looks to the heavens, Troy Aikmen was anointed as the Golden Child and the Dallas Cowboys won three of the next four Super Bowls. This period of time was known in Dallas as the Era of Good Feelings and everyone rejoiced.
I hope that the parable of the Son of Tom helps you understand all that is right and good about having one coach, one leader, or only one God. I hope that you see the advantage of having only one way of thinking.
Finally, do you understand why all those God damned Jews are still around?
OK, now let’s consider the downside. What’s wrong with MONOTHEISM?
One God = One way to think
One way to think works pretty well if you are Troy Aikmen and you are trying to win a Super Bowl. But what if you are sitting at NASA headquarters trying to get Apollo 13 home safely? You better have a smart group of people who are able to all think independently and bring it together and disagree and work out the best solution and do it pretty damn fast.
Or, suppose that you are a little six-year old African-American girl who just wants to go to school and get a fair chance in life. The rulebook says that only white people can go to school and have a fair chance in life. Everyone is unified. Everyone believes in the almighty rulebook. Do you think that you might hope that there could be a little bit of independent thinking here?
Let’s consider conflicts between religions. I can understand why Catholics and Buddhists might not get along because their respective philosophies are so different, but why can’t the Catholics and Protestants get along? Or, the Sunnis and Shiites for that matter?
OK, here’s the catch, the Catholics are good Christians and are wed to ONE way of thinking. The Protestants are also good Christians and are also wed to ONE way of thinking. But the way of thinking the Catholics are wed to and the way of thinking the Protestants are wed to is just ever so slightly different. So, they can’t get along. So, they must fight and kill one another. Oh, well…
The most beautiful religion on this planet, in Levystien’s opinion, is the Hebrew faith. Steeped in tradition, encourages communication and dialogue, wonderful holidays emphasizing family and community and remembering loved ones. The most important holiday in the entire calendar is not one that remembers some guy who got executed but is one that remembers loved ones that you have personally lost. How cool is that? So why have the Jews been so persecuted?
The Jews won’t let others in. They are the ONE Tom’s…sorry, I mean ONE God’s chosen people and there is only one-way of thinking about this. There is only one God and there is only one way to think. This explains why the Jews have been winning Super Bowls for the past 4000 years. It also explains why, like the Dallas Cowboys, everyone else around the league hates them. Oh, and tries to copy them. Love those cheerleaders, baby.
Islam, being the second in a series of Hebrew copycat religions, had the grave misfortune of having one of its saviors willingly die fighting against overwhelming odds. As a result, they all think suicide bombing is really cool. I wonder why it’s always a suicide car bombing. You’d think a few of these idiots would be too poor to own a car and might need to resort to a suicide camel bombing. Probably a suicide elephant bombing wouldn’t work but what about a suicide bicycle bombing? You could ride up and Huffy and Huffy and blow their house down. Sorry, that was pretty bad.
I understand that I’m just Stupid Levystien, but I’m pretty sure that the world would be better off without suicide, or as I think we are now calling them, homicide bombings. But what a glaring example of, “Get off your lazy chair and do something!,” thinking gone awry. You would never see a Buddhist suicide bomber. Well, maybe they would set themselves on fire.
"Wait a minute...Have there ever been Jewish or Christian suicide attacks?"
Of course, but more on that in a moment.
As an aside, the current rage in homicide bombings is actually a secular activity and not a religious one at all. All three monotheistic religions condemn suicide, including Islam. The groups that have promoted the recent attacks such as Hamas, the Tigers of Tamil in Sri Lanka, the Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Al Agsa Martyr Brigades, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, and the Kurdish PKK in Turkey all use some form of perverted religious rhetoric but are clearly secular political organizations.
Theoretically, the Muslim religion might approve of a suicide attack given exactly the right set of conditions. For example, if Bill Murray willingly sacrificed himself in a pile of marshmallow trying to save humanity from a real satanic ghost, Islam might approve. However, I haven’t seen to much marshmallow flying around in Beirut lately.
"If the homicide bombers aren’t religiously motivated, then why do they do it? Are they insane?"
No.
"Are they antisocial?"
Definitely no.
"Is it revenge?"
Sometimes.
"Do they do it for profit?"
Lately, thanks to donations from Iran and Iraq this is a sometimes yes, but in general no.
"So, why!?"
Well…why did guys willingly get mowed down on the beaches of Normandy in WWII?
Why did the defenders of the Alamo fight to the last man?
Why did they drink Kool-Aid in Guiana?
Why did the Pied Piper play his tune?
Why is Jesus called a “Sheppard?”
It’s because we are social animals with a herd mentality.
At church this Sunday there will be a lot of people who are praying and crossing themselves and kneeling and lighting candles and drinking wine and eating bread. They look like a herd of cattle. If the priest suggested a homicide attack, I’m sure he could find volunteers who would go without thinking twice.
It turns out that one of the few common denominators among those that do homicide attacks is displacement from the cultural group that they identify themselves as being from. Usually they are second-generation individuals in a foreign land. They hook up with like-minded individuals whom they call brothers or sisters and a sense of mutual persecution grows and a desire to protect the family unit takes over.
I know that I would give my own life without thinking twice if I perceived a mortal threat to my family or any of my family members. By the way, isn’t there something in the Christian bible about greater love hath no man than this that he lay his life down for his friend?
Isn’t the entire Christian faith based on one big suicide by Jesus followed by numerous suicides by all the saints?
And what about Masada, isn’t that where 960 rebel rousing Jews committed suicide rather than surrender to the Romans and forsake their God?
There is a song about a soldier who gives his life for his “brothers.”
The Soldier Blues were trapped on a hillside
The battle raging all around
The Sergeant cried,
"We got to hang on boys,
We got to hold this piece of ground,
I need a volunteer to ride up,
And bring us back some extra men."
And Billy's hand was up in a moment
Forgetting all the words she saidShe said,
Billy don't be a hero
Don't be a fool with your life
Billy don't be a hero
Come back and make me your wife
And as he started to go
She said, "Billy keep your head low,"
Billy don't be a hero, come back to meI heard his fiancée got a letter
That told how Billy died that day
The letter said that he was a hero
She should be proud he died that way
I heard she threw the letter away...Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods Suicide bombers are hard to understand again, why? •
…And then there were the Crusades.The Crusades…first blood in the conflict between Christianity and Islam. And what about the Klan, and Northern Ireland, and the list goes on. Everyone acting like children and thinking they are right and there is only one way to think. I know, let’s kill all the infidels who think differently.
Wait! Can’t we all just…just get along? -Rodney King
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older,
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long,
And wouldn't it be nice to live together,
In the kind of world where we belong.The Beach Boys The problem is that we aren’t silly adolescents who just want to screw. We are full-grown adults who actually kill each other over our differences.
Christians do lots of good things, too. They had the foresight to have lots of wars in Europe in order to stimulate progress. The Christians grew complex societies so things like democracy, printing presses, ship building, and so on could enable their lives to be better. Oh, yes, and it enabled them to go out and conquer the world. They did need to make everyone else Christian…right?
World conquest…good or bad?
I’m very glad that world domination wasn’t left up to the Hindus or the Buddhists but it would have been nice if the Christians could have been a little more open-minded and understanding of native peoples. Actually, I should say Catholics and Protestants in this context as Orthodox Christians have never gone out and tried to conquer anything.
I guess it is good that the entire Western Hemisphere is Catholic or Protestant and that the mud worshipping heathens are on reservations, but what did we lose?
Here we come full circle to my main point. Religions have an upside and a downside and it is important to understand the downside of your particular faith so that you won’t be arrogant and hurt others.
You know, like good ‘ol Pope Urban II who in 1095 called on men to take up arms against the Turkish Muslims and recapture the holy city of Jerusalem.
Or, like the fanatical Islamic caliph Hakim who in 1010 crushed the Christian protectorate and decreed that the holy lands are off limits to infidels.
Do I even have to comment on the flaming imbeciles who probably had boners and hands over their heads as they flew their hijacked planes into the World Trade Center killing over 200 Muslims…what…there were Muslims in there?
OK, back to religion in general.
In regards to religion, only worry about yourself and your own religion and let everyone else do whatever the hell they want to do.
Realize that your religion is not some ancient truth that you have discovered but rather that religion is about faith which means that it is something you simply choose to believe.
Even though I'm a Jewish Anglican, I have decided that I will be a Russian Orthodox Christian. I will stand when I pray and I will cross myself and light candles and venerate icons and confess my sins, even little tiny mischievous sinful momentary thoughts that I have, and I will take communion and I will worship the Holy Trinity and get re-baptized in the Holy Spirit and get married with a crown on my head.
I won't care what you believe and I won't worry about how you worship your God or Gods. I won't even care if you worship The Blue Man Group!
I will like you, or not like you, but it won't be because of your religious beliefs.
Also, I will raise my boys to do the same. However, I will let my boys do and think and believe whatever they want after they leave home.
But, I'm just Stupid Levystien.
In summation, religion is not bad and should not be abandoned simply because it cuts both ways. There are plenty of Christians, Muslims, and Jews who are not out taking Tom’s law into their own hands. The key is moderation and understanding. If you know who you are and what you are about then you are less likely to be a jerk and hurt others.
If, however, your religion is based on hurting others, then I hope that you will strongly consider the following point…Levystien might be a total idiot. (But an idiot who’s packin’)
