SEX
As a transition from the first chapter, let me pose a question about language that segues into sex:
Question: “Why did humans develop advanced language skills?”
Answer: “To get laid.”
I mean that in an evolutionary sense and not merely in a biblical sense. By the way, why would the phrase “in a biblical sense” mean “getting laid?” I thought the bible was against that sort of thing?
“Hey, mom, it’s OK because I meant it in a ‘biblical’ sense.”
The fact that you can “do it” in a “biblical sense” must be why there are so many little bambinos in Catholic Mexico. Sex, like language, is an instinct. Hey, since we drug language through the mud, why don’t we drag sex through the mud? How kinky does that sound?
Compared with language, it’s easier for most of us to understand that sex is an instinct. After all, it involves all those visceral moans and grunts. Nevertheless, let's talk about what the sex instinct is all about. To begin with, it isn’t just an instinct but it’s the number one most potent of all instincts and it has a funny relationship to our advanced language skills.
As an aside, when I instinctually have sex it usually involves a lot of pre-requisite language skills as well as some rather nasty language skills during the act itself. Sometimes it even involves some rather high-speed language skills subsequent to the act. But I digress.
The number one most potent of all instincts…think about it…you haven’t eaten in days but you had sex thirty minutes ago and you see a very naked Shania Twain next to a ham sandwich. OK, the ham sandwich is at least number two...or…maybe number one depending on how long you’ve been married and, of course, who you are married to.
Perhaps this only applies to men? Women have a huge laundry list of things that they require instinctually...flowers, dinner, jewelry, poetry, songs, pledges of undying love, and above all…ATTENTION.
My woman says, "For my man, all I need to do is bring food and get naked."
So, why do I want to stop writing this book and have sex?
Well, why do you want to stop reading this book and have sex?
Where are you right now? Where is my fiancé right now? Oh, yeah, I have a fiancé. Sorry, where were we?
Sex is the most potent of all instincts. Consider this; Every characteristic we have from eye color to body hair to the shape of our pelvis started out as a tiny structural change in our collective DNA millions of years ago. The traits that survived were given to us by the individuals who lived to reproduce. To reproduce…hey…
We descend from fuckers!!!!!!!!!
Although you may love your celebrate priest, future generations will not possess the funny little smiley-face shaped hairy nevus on his left butt cheek. But rest assured that the trait of an unusual curve in the penis, as made famous by President Clinton, will live on in our species for generations to come. Clinton was a fucker! And I mean that in the most evolutionarily complementary way.
In the year 4,000,000 BC, or 3,998,000 years ago, as though the birth of Christ has anything to do with anything. Sorry, I’ll give religion it’s due in the next chapter. Wow, it isn’t easy to write one chapter about sex and another about religion and keep the two separate.
To continue; Way back then there was this guy you probably wouldn’t recognize as a human. He was really short and hairy with a chest full of nipples and his feet looked like hands and he ran on his arms as well as his legs and he really didn’t have a lot of expression on his face, although maybe he had a little. He may not have looked like much but he looked a lot better than a few million years earlier when he was under water. In any case, this man’s name was…wait a minute…they didn’t have names back then. In fact, this was before English was even German.
There was, however, a series of grunts that meant, “I want sex.” Another series of grunts meant, “I want sex right now!” Then, there was a more feminine series of grunts that meant something like, “My head hurts.” Which, as you know, translates into, “Get me flowers and jewelry first you big ape!”
Incidentally, sex is a great cure for headaches…I mean it...Try having sex the next time you have a headache and see if your head doesn’t feel a little better. Don’t worry about your wife losing her excuse. She will, no doubt, make up something else.
OK, we descend from fuckers. Let's go back even further. Let's go all the way back to the first two separate molecules that hooked up. Imagine a time when the first amoeba wasn’t even a glint in the eye of the first molecule. My question for you to consider is, “Which molecules do we descend from?”
Obviously, we descend from the molecules that did get together and not from the molecules that failed to get together. What’s more, we descend from the molecules that enjoyed getting together and did it again and again. We certainly don’t descend from the molecules that would have preferred a ham sandwich to Shania Twain.
Can I stay on focus long enough to get through the entire story of evolution without telling a joke? Or, do you think the story of evolution is by definition a joke. Not a joke in the sense that it isn’t a valid theory but a joke in the sense that this crazy life we find ourselves in surely must have a punch line.
Consider this: If my extended family and I lived on a military target range and we all had bright red bulls eye shaped birthmarks on our backs, then I’m thinking that future generations won’t be contaminated with our genetic material. On the other hand, my evil step twin who has the gene mutation that codes for invisibility will surely survive and we will all be invisible in the future...and evil. No, I forgot, my evil step twin prefers the ham sandwich. We’re all going down the drain!
Traits and characteristics are important but screwing is essential. In fact, screwing is the only trait that is both a trait and is the mechanism by which traits are given to successive generations. Screwing is not just a trait but it is an instinct and because it is so essential to our survival it has developed into the most potent of all instincts.
The passing of genetic material that codes for human characteristics is pretty cool science but it is not “rocket” science. By that I mean that passing genetic material to successive generations is, by necessity, an imperfect process and for every trait there is a bell-shaped curve of var iab ili ty.
For example, most humans are between 5 and 6 feet tall. Some are between 6 and 7 feet and some are between 4 and 5 feet but, then, there is Yao Ming. Where in the hell did he come from?
You might think that after 5 billion years we would be spitting out humans that are all exactly 5 feet and 8 inches tall. That’s how it would be if we were “rockets.” Being that we are humans, our characteristics have this thing called variability.
For example, the majority of men would like to screw Shania but some would rather play with her feet and others might only wish to smell her panties. Still others might be more interested in her brother. Some may even be more interested in her baby girl…or, her baby boy. I knew a guy once who would want to wait until she had expired. Yuk!
I just remembered that I’m answering a question that I forgot to ask. Here it is; “How can the trait of a man preferring to put his penis in the butt of another man have any evolutionary advantage what-so-ever?” You see why I forgot to ask this heinous question, or provocative question depending on your orientation.
The same could be said about Yao. What possible evolutionary advantage is it to be 7 feet 6 inches tall? I know that I have been saying that it isn’t “rocket” science but if God is a Houston Rockets fan, then maybe it all makes sense.
Yao is the last person on the edge of the bell curve. Just like the guy who likes to smell little boy’s feet. The difference is that height stops at a reasonable distance from the median whereas sexual behavior deviates much further because sex is such a potent instinct. If propagation of the species only required a mild libidinal impulse then the range of aberrant behavior would be much more narrow.
Aberrant sexual behavior is abnormal in the sense that it is not the average or median way in which sexual behavior occurs but it is totally normal in the sense that it’s a robust part of nature. For example, aberrant sexual behavior occurs in a lot of species.
Actually, it occurs in species that have been civilized more than in purely wild species. As a species becomes civilized the individuals begin to live closer together in larger groups and change from hunting and gathering to settling down and having neighbors and families. In a civilized species, such as homo sapiens, juvenile characteristics become maintained into adulthood and the differences between males and females becomes more narrow. For example, a wild wolf is a manly man and a female wolf is all woman. The wolves that became domesticated to produce dogs developed juvenile characteristics into adulthood. The bell curve of characteristics that is male shifted right and the bell curve that is female characteristics shifted left a little bit. The overlap in the middle went from something like .001% to 10%. A domesticated animal no longer needs to hunt to survive. Fierce manly attributes become less selected for and procreation becomes less important for survival. Therefore, sexual practices become less specific.
Oh, yeah, you forgot how embarrassing it is when company comes over and Fido is humping his male brother. Others of you are now remembering your loving pets humping the leg of the coffee table. I used to have this cat that instinctively knew when it was time to hang out in the cupboard for a while.
With the scared cat in mind, this might be a good time to point out that some forms of aberrant sexual behavior are injurious to others and must be curtailed in polite society. So what do you do if you grow up and realize that you prefer sex with little boys?
The Monastery
We have created, by accident on purpose mind you, wonderful institutions to deal with aberrant sexual behavior. The Monastery. What a concept. Let's go somewhere and not have sex and have everyone admire us simply because we are not having sex. Beats the hell out of being Butch’s bitch just ‘cause you touched little Johnny’s pee pee.
In the past few years there have been some unseemly episodes in the Catholic church that have shocked everyone. I heard an old lady say, “How can priests be pedophiles?”
I was thinking, “How can priests not be pedophiles?”
Of course, most are simply homosexual or asexual or foot-sexual or panty-sexual or used panty sexual (sorry) or maybe have ambiguous genitalia or some other benign form of aberrant sexuality…but, what about those that prefer harmful activities?
In regards to a person that finds him or herself in a body that becomes sexually aroused by the thought of harmful activities, I ask you, “Must this have a bad outcome?”
What’s wrong with a pedophile going to a monastery?
Isn’t that where we would prefer them to be?
Think about it. You grow up in a loving and religious family and learn all about being a good person and then in high school you glimpse your 5 year-old nephew in the shower and it really turns you on. What do you do? You could go to college and learn to be an elementary school teacher so that you can be around as many little boys as possible or you can join a monastery and try to be celibate.
The real problem is that we often give Catholic priests the responsibility of taking care of our children. I am reminded of a news story recently. Please understand that very few things I hear in the media truly shock me but this one made me sit up and say, “Damn…”
Rep. Mark Foley (Florida GOP) was caught writing inappropriate emails to a white house page. He resigned his position and went into a substance abuse treatment program. He then issued this response; “I was molested as a teen-ager by my Catholic priest, Father Anthony Mercieca.”
Fr. Mercieca, 69, replied in a phone interview with CNN affiliate WPTV from his home on the Maltese island of Gozo in the Mediterranean, “Once maybe I touched him or so…we were just fondling…he seemed to like it, you know…anyway, he will overcome it, with a psychiatrist you know.”
OK, I’ll stop writing and you can stop reading for a minute just to let the previous paragraph sink in...............
Now, who or which part of this news article are you going to be angry or shocked at the most? I’m sure that Fr. Mercieca chose Mark because he was a little girly boy and he likely did like it, right? No, Fr. Mercieca is an asshole and he totally caused a little boy to grow up and be a pedophile! No…wait…OK, Mark Foley could have joined a monastery. Well, he did grow up to become a congressman and he did get anti-predator legislation passed, you know, while he was fondling little boys. Hey, no one was actually hurt…right…wait…a psychiatrist? So, now Fr. Mercieca lives on an island called Gozo…go figure.
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Getting away from the icky abuse stuff, why don’t we talk about regular good old-fashioned heterosexual missionary position hard-core sex? First of all, sex is good. Sex is very good. No, I mean really very, very good.
My grand-pappy always used to say, “The best things in life are free, but you have to buy them dinner before you get to the free stuff.”
Why are cultural taboos in regards to sex so strong? As if sex is some sort of perverted evil thing. Isn’t it better to be a lover than a fighter? Doesn’t having an orgasm feel good, not bad! How could sex be bad?
OK, rape and child abuse and unwanted babies and sexually transmitted diseases…hmmm…it is possible to hurt someone with sex. The real question is, “How does one have sex that is all good and is not bad in any way for either partner? That is, assuming we are talking about sex with a partner.”
Should you only have sex with a spouse? Maybe you shouldn’t have sex until a certain age? What age would that be? Must sex always be heterosexual? I know, maybe I should not have sexual relations with “that woman,” right Bill? (Someone once told me that in Congress they no longer use staples, they just bend the pages over.) In any case, what rules do you follow to make sure that the sex you are enjoying is OK?
The Ten Commandments of Sex
(According to Levystien)
Commandment #1. The person you want to screw must want to screw you.
Commandment #2. Don’t break any laws.
Commandment #3. Don’t cheat.
Commandment #4. Don’t lie.
Commandment #5. Talk about protection.
Commandment #6. Don’t use the rhythm method.
Commandment #7. Remember that your Catholic priest is a fag.
Commandment #8. Don’t use pre-coital cocaine and a 16-ounce Coke bottle.
Commandment #9. Avoid autoerotic self-asphyxiation.
Commandment #10. Make sure that everyone is alive afterwards.
•
You certainly can have sex in a hurtful way. You can also communicate about sex in a hurtful way. For example, here is a simple and very honest question,
“Hey, do you want to screw after dinner tonight?”
Any post-pubescent boy will tell you not to say something like that to a woman. Everyone knows that girls want you to say something like, “My darling, I sooooooooooo want to make love to you.”
If you think about it, what does it really mean to “make love?” The word “make” means to create or to produce or to start or begin loving. So, your love is not “made” or does not exist until a penis is actually inside a vagina? That seems pretty demeaning to me. I think that most women are trying to say the exact opposite, right?
In my opinion we made or created love at the dinner table when we gently talked and shared our most intimate secrets and our dreams and how we feel for each other. Then, after making love we had sex. The sex was an expression or an extension of our love that was already made. Doesn’t that make a little more sense? I know, why don’t we call sex “sharing love?”
Now try this, “My darling, after we create love let’s share our love.” Wow, am I a silver-tongued devil or what?
As long as I’m throwing out random thoughts about sex, let me ask you this question; After you meet someone, how long should you wait before jumping into the sack?
This was the topic of conversation one evening between myself, my girlfriend, and 3 other couples who were friends of ours. There was heated discussion and debate about exactly how long to wait. Then, my friend Adam said, “I don’t know anyone who is involved in a successful long term relationship that waited more than two dates.”
There was a moment of silence and then a collective mumble as everyone mutually avoided eye contact with one another. Even though it went against the grain of what we were taught as children, we all knew that Adam was right. He was so right, in fact, that it applied to every couple in the room. How embarrassing? But why was that embarrassing?
I would argue that if you are able to avoid sex with someone you supposedly love for several months in order to be “proper,” then this is not someone that you should marry. On the other hand, if you are so overcome with passion that you simply must have sex, then this could be the person that you should marry. Of course, you still need to make certain that he or she is not a Redskins fan.
•
Now let’s talk about the BATTLE OF THE SEXES. Why do men and woman fight all the time? Why do they have such different expectations with regards to sex? Are women right about men being dogs? Do women want men to be dogs?
“They say we are dogs. I say that it is an honorable title.”
-Stupid Levystien
To understand the differences between men and women in regards to sex we must resume our conversation about evolution. The appropriate question is, “How do you best pass your genetic material to successive generations?”
For men, it’s simple. You must “share love” with as many women as possible. Well, maybe not so simple because you must also make sure that your offspring live to reproduce. So, what is the solution? You must have as many kids as you can with your own wife but, also, with your neighbor’s wife. In fact, the most desirable woman is one who has a husband that will see to it that your children live to reproduce. In other words, your best friend’s wife will do just fine. See what I mean about descending from fuckers, oh, and men being dogs?
Women, on the other hand, must nurture just a few babies. They need to choose a lover who will be faithful only to them. Someone who will stay around and help bring her offspring to reproducing capacity.
David Frizzell understood this idea when he wrote the song, I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home?
She said, "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."Contrary to all you women’s libbers out there, there is no right or wrong in the sex’s battle. We are all just trying to keep our genes alive. The best thing you could do is look alive in your own jeans…he…he.
SIZE
OK, I stand corrected. Men are the superior sex and size matters. Not really, but go with me on this for the sake of humor.
I knew a very vain couple once and when engaged in love making the woman asked, “Am I tight?”
The man responded, “No, just full.”
When I was a boy, my best friend moved away at the end of the sixth grade. I visited him in his new town when I was in high school and we attended a function at his school. We went to the restroom and I was surprised to see him and several of his friends lined up in front of the lowest hanging urinal. I started to pee in one of the urinals that hung at a normal height. I was quickly informed that the lowest hanging urinal was for the long dicks. I felt so ashamed.
In the mind of a man, the size of his package is evidence of his virility. We all know now that it is his ability to screw his best friend’s wife that is truly important but having a big dick seems to have great cultural significance. Despite the fact that my own personal Willy is really, really big, here are some essential points with regards to size:
- In reality, there is less variability in the size of the erect penis compared with the flaccid penis.
- A woman’s vagina conforms to her lover’s penis size after repeated love sharing sessions.
- A woman’s most important sexual sensory receptors are at the opening of the vagina and not deep inside it.*
- A penis that is too large is painful.
* When a woman utters the well known moan, "Oh, deeper...deeper...," the sensory experience for her is deeper. However, it is the speed and precision of the penis moving past the opening of the vagina and not the depth of penetration that gives this sensation.
Someone once said, “It ain’t the size of the wand but the magic within it that works wonders.” I think that means that what really matters is whether or not you are smart enough to actually treat your woman right. Or, smart enough to screw your best friend’s wife.
In regards to penis size, you can often see this male preoccupation in our culture. For example, let’s tour some monuments. In Washington they built a really big penis and passed a law that said, “No state shall build a bigger penis than the national penis in Washington.”
Texas Penis
Not to be out done, Texas wanted a big penis, too. So, they built a set of balls for their penis to stand on. This made the total size of the Texas penis slightly bigger than the national penis.
All the fuckers down in Texas were very happy.
National Penis
Despite the fact that a relatively small penis is still more than capable of pleasing a woman and depositing your genetic load in the next generation, men have traditionally expended large amounts of energy to compensate for penile insufficiency. For example, if you see a corvette driven by a male, he surely must have a little tiny pee pee. If you see a red corvette driven by a male, then he has only two pubic hairs and he pees out of one.
In Texas, we drive trucks.
An issue that may be more important to a man than size is whether or not he is, in fact, “getting him some.” That means, “Is he actually having sex?” If he is, then he is happy and healthy and all is well. If he isn’t, then he will sublimate all that pent up sexual energy and spend it doing lots of unbelievable things. Sometimes he will do great things like discovering America or going to the moon or painting the Mona Lisa or creating Venus De Milo and, in a moment of not getting him some, cutting off her forearms.
On the other hand, sometimes he will do bad things like sailing across the Atlantic and killing all the Incas and Aztecs or ramming a little tiny speedboat full of explosives into the great big USS Cole or packing a U-Haul with explosives and detonating it in front of the daycare in a federal building or building the DeLorian sports car. Yeah, the DeLorian is a double whammy.
And, yet, at still other times he may do something that has no significance what so ever. He might, for example, organize the entire tribe and build a huge mound of dirt. In any case, many people believe that the world was created by sublimated sexual desire.
As for the “simply not getting laid theory,” I’m pretty sure it applies to the guy who stuck a bunch of Cadillacs half way in the ground outside of Amarillo. Perhaps, his ex-wives weren’t screwing him? His ex-wives for whom he bought the Cadillacs…thinking he would get laid.
I think the way it really works is that we descend from guys who didn’t get any for a while until they did something really big and then they got a ton. See how the size thing rears its ugly head again.
Speaking of health benefits, no matter whom you are screwing or where you are screwing them, you will be much healthier in every way if you are screwing someone on a regular basis. I have an idea, why don’t we create public screwing facilities. You just stop by for ten minutes, get laid, and go on about your business. I suspect that public health would improve dramatically and the crime rate would hit an all time low.
Oh, but there would be sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted babies. Hello! We figured out how to prevent that 40 years ago. Wouldn’t you think that the sexual taboos in our society would end when sex became a harmless activity? Why didn’t we all yell, “Hooray!!!” and start screwing like rabbits?
“OK, mom, you are telling me that I can’t have sex until I’m 25 or until I get married, whichever comes first, again why?”
Finally, I want to conclude this sex chapter…I mean this sharing love chapter…by telling you about the most remarkable drug ever approved by the Food and Drug administration (FDA). Incidentally, why can’t the FDA regulate holistic remedies that are described as food additives? Isn’t it the FOOD and Drug Administration?
For example, my fiancé’s mom just got back from a trip to New York where she saw an Asian guru and spent $200.00 for a one-month supply of Ginseng. How about that? Some things are just hilarious and require no further comment.
OK, the most remarkable drug in FDA history. It started out being tested to stabilize high blood pressure but showed little promise. When the participants in this study failed to return the un-used drug they sent field investigators to find out why. It turns out that a lot of the subjects were middle aged to elderly men with hypertension who also had sexual dysfunction. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, they were enjoying sex again.
They immediately began a sexual dysfunction study and the results were unbelievable. Bear in mind that a good drug is one that works in 60% of patients treated. With this drug there was more than a 95% improvement on everything they measured. Here is the truly remarkable part; of the 300 study participants 30 had side effects and six had severe side effects but only one discontinued treatment? Only one. Wow!
Viagra is now a household word and it is allowing millions of men to enjoy sex despite medical conditions that only a few years ago would have precluded them from maintaining an erection long enough to ejaculate…but what about the wives?
A funny side effect soon came to light. Some women had been perfectly content that their husbands no longer required repeated sexual gratification. These ladies were actually upset at their husband’s physicians for not consulting them prior to jump-starting their sex life.
How about that? Oh, well, I guess you can’t please everyone. Why don’t we finish up this sex chapter with one last little story? Last Saturday I spilled some BBs in the spaghetti and must not have gotten them all out prior to serving my three sons. My eldest boy came to me and said that he passed a BB in his urine. I had to refrain from laughing as I explained to him what happened. My middle son did the same thing. The next day my youngest son said, “Hey, dad, guess what happened?”
I said, “I know you pee’d a BB.”
He said, “No, I was jacking off and I shot the canary.
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